12/4/11
This all happened on 11/30/11.
This time of year, I don’t always stop by the pond after work. The sun is already below the treeline, and Elvis never eats much in the evenings. On this day though, I did swing by, just to chunk Elvis some bread and smoke a cig and have a nice break after work. I had an appointment at 6:00 to meet with some friends, and didn’t plan on staying but a few minutes.
I was on the dam side of the pond throwing bread to Elvis when I noticed movement on the other side of the pond. There are a lot of ducks migrating through there and I always look for movement around the edges of the pond, in case there are new visitors. There some kids on the bank over there looking at it, so I hollered over, “what are ya’ll lookin’ at?” The kids hollered back, “baby alligator!”
Of course, I’d love to get a picture of a baby alligator. Elvis was about done, so I hopped in the car and drove around to the other side. I passed three boys walking along the driveway and asked them if it really was a baby alligator, and they said they didn’t know. Took my camera out and walked as far out as I could without fighting the mud. I was looking through the display on the camera, and I honestly thought for a second it WAS a baby alligator or a snake. It was dark black, shiny, and wet, whatever it was.
Then it cried out, and the cry was so piercing and startling, I jumped back. The young nutria at the pond make sounds like this sometimes, and I thought I was seeing a nutria wrapped up in some trash. I asked the boys there if they’d help me get it loose. There was no way I could leave it there to die that way.
Went back to the car and grabbed my trash picker-upper, hoping it would give us some extra length to where the nutria was, and maybe we could use it to pull the trash away from it. One of the boys (Marc) volunteered to wade out and get it, something I was hesitant to do, cause I know how deep that mud is out there. Marc waded out without sinking and grabbed the black bag with the trash grabber. When he lifted up a piece of what I thought was trash, we all realized it was a backpack. At this point, I was still thinking, oh my gosh, how are we gonna unravel that nutria without getting bit?
Marc carried the backpack to the shore, and he cried out, “It’s a puppy!” As he drug it back to where we were standing, I saw little white feet and knew this was not a wild animal trapped in trash. But I still didn’t think there was any animal cruelty involved; I thought the dog had just wondered into the water and the backpack was just a piece of trash it got tangled in. A lot of strange things have been washed up there since the drought last summer; the tornado of 2009 dropped a lot of debris into the pond.
Marc laid the backpack down on the ground and started unzipping, eventually getting to the large compartment of the backpack. He had the backpack lifted up off the ground 3-4" and as he opened the main compartment, a small animal slid out. The animal was so bloated at first I thought it was a puppy, but when it started crying we knew it was a kitten, not a little bitty one, but the size Max and I call ‘cattens’ when they’re not kittens anymore and not yet full grown cats.
Marc, myself, and two other boys were there when Marc opened that backpack, and all of us immediately put our hands to our mouths. Miracle kitty was completely drenched, unmoving, and his only response when we touched him was that horrible piercing cry. I just kept saying, “Oh my God, oh my God! Who would do such a horrible thing?” I was crying, and when I looked up, I saw that all three of the boys were crying too. I got my phone out and called the police. Marc stayed with the cat while the other two boys and I went back to my car to find a towel or SOMETHING to wrap around the poor creature. It was shivering uncontrollably, and my first thought was to pick it up and warm it up, but I was afraid to because every time I touched it, it let out that horrible piercing cry. I was afraid I was hurting it.
The trunk of my car is still full of crap I transferred to it when we traded in the van, but for the first time in history, there wasn’t a towel in there. I found a big black trash bag and went back to the cat, and tucked the bag in around it. When the police got there, we told him what had happened and he was visibly shaken. I asked him if he had a towel or something in his car, but he didn’t have one either. When he went back to his car to call Animal Control, I took off my hoodie and tucked it in around the cat. This all happened just at dusk, when the temperature plummets these days. The only thing I could think to do for the cat was to try to keep it warm. I honestly thought he was a goner. He was nearly completely nonresponsive except for that horrible cry when we touched him.
The cop came back out to the bank and said Animal Control was out on Atkinson Drive chasing a horse. He was not going to be able to wait for them, so I volunteered to wait until they came. He helped me move the cat into a box and I put it in the backseat of my car, turned on the engine and the heater, and waited.
While I was in the car waiting, I checked on Miracle kitty several times. He’d quit crying, but he was still breathing, although it was very labored and hard to detect. I didn’t know if he had just given up, or was beginning to warm up and not in as much discomfort. The last time I checked, it seemed that its breathing was even worse; I had to shine my flashlight on it to tell it was breathing at all.
Eventually, around 6:00, I saw Animal Control turn in to the VFW driveway. I love living in a small town—these same two officers had been at my office a couple of days earlier chasing a loose pit bull (a VERY friendly one). I told them what had happened. One of the officers went to look in the box and tried to pull the backpack out, thinking it was a cover. I cried out “no!” and even as she slightly moved the backpack, the cat let out that horrible yowl again, and so I knew it was still alive. But both officers and I, after seeing such the kitty in such a horrible state, discussed the fact that we didn’t think it would survive. They put kitty in their truck and took off. After all, these guys are only on the clock till 5:00; they did this on overtime.
After Animal Control left, I sat there for a moment and just cried. I decided to go ahead to meet my friends, but I could not get the image of that kitten out of my head. It slid out of that backpack like a lump of wood when Marc unzipped it. It was drenched, crying, and never moved an inch. The thought that someone did this on purpose was even more horrifying. I was up till 5:00 AM that night, throwing up the whole time. That horrible picture was burned into my mind.
I called in to work the next morning because I could not get my stomach calmed down, and I still couldn’t get it out of my head, despite the distractions I’d tried. About 8:30 or 9:00, the cop called me to let me know the cat had made it through the night. He’d promised to let me know, and I was very touched he kept his promise. Still, every time I closed my eyes, I saw it again. Jen had to be at work at noon, and Goodwill is on the same road as Animal Control, so after I dropped her off, I drove on down there, hoping to see Miracle Kitty in a better state than the night before.
When I got there, one of the officers from the night before was on the benches letting a puppy have some yard time. She called the director and got permission for me to visit Miracle kitty. I went back and saw him for the first time away from the horror. He wasn’t moving around, but he did respond when I petted him and kind of tilted his chin up for scratches like he knew exactly how the petting system worked. He was dry and it turned out he was a little tuxedo cat, with the cutest markings. The officer felt his body and said this was the first time she’d touched him when he felt warm. She told me they were concerned he wasn’t up and walking around yet. I told her that come what may, if Miracle needed sponsors for extra medical care, I’d find them. And if the original owners did not claim her, I promised to help find her a new, safe, loving home.
When I left Animal Control, my phone rang as I was driving back to the pond to find an earring I lost out there the night before. The phone call was from KTRE, Channel 9, our local station. They asked me if I’d do an interview, and I said yes, and she agreed to meet me at the pond. I was very impressed with the reporter; she was very smart, and understood completely I wanted to do the interview to try to find out who had done this. That night, they ran the story, and I did not feel embarrassed in the least for the hoopla. I just hope it helps to find the culprit.
If you know me, you know what a soft heart I have for animals—ANY animal, domestic or wild. How many folks do you know who feel guilty when they can’t meet a duck for bread every morning? My friend, Janice, says they are defenseless and arouse all of our maternal instincts. I think I will always feel responsible for Miracle kitty. As of this date, he is doing really well. He’s walking around now and eating real food. If the original owners don’t show up, he will be available for adoption, and I have already vowed to find him a good home.
I pray to God I never see anything like that again in my life. I lived through the tragedy of losing my son and what happened to him was a nightmare, but I dealt with it because it was a logical, natural progression from illness to death. THIS was completely inhumane. Whoever committed this act has had their heart invaded by the devil. I pray to God every day that they catch the perpetrator.
allison
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween!
Every year since our son, Travis, was eight months old, we’ve gone to my parents’ house for Halloween. We went to show Mema and Papa his costume, and he trick-or-treated their street after he did ours, because he knew all the neighbors over there too. When his daughter was born, Travis never hesitated, but just showed up at their house to take her trick or treating there. This year, his new son joined us, continuing a 27-year tradition in our family.
While we hand out candy to the spooky little witches and Supermans, we sit on the porch and reminisce about past years and costumes. Travis’ first costume was an old devil costume of Max’s, with a headband with horns and a cape three times as long as he was. His favorite part of the treats that year were the bright colors on the packages, and Max ate all his chocolate.
My parents don’t like to talk about Aaron, but Max and I always remember, with simultaneous sadness and sweetness, the only time Travis got to go with his brother. Aaron was 16 months old; Travis was five and a half. They went as matching vampires in capes I made from an old dress of mine. Aaron was getting over chicken pox, no longer contagious, but the makeup covered up his spots. Travis raided Aaron’s bucket of candy, and I remember Aaron saying, “No, bubba!” to him, the same way Kadence does now to Aidan.
Travis was eight years old when Jen was born, and he could not wait to take her trick-or-treating, even though she was only 5 months old. Hook was his favorite movie at the moment, and he went as a pirate, with a long black wig, sash at the waist, and a hook created from aluminum foil by his creative mom. Every time he’d run back from a house, he would show Jen the candy he got, while Jen only looked at him with the wide-eyed adoration she’s had for him since birth.
By the time Jen was eight, we had moved to Lufkin and lived out in the country where we never had trick-or-treaters. We just started at Mema and Papa’s house, carrying costumes to their house and getting ready there. Travis always danced and fidgeted, anxiously waiting for Jen to get ready. He’d then take her by the hand, leading her around the neighborhood, teaching her all his trick-or-treat tips, and always reminding her to say “thank you.” That year, Jen was a glamour girl, in a red sequined dress I made her, hair up in a fashionable bun highlighted by a tiara, and glamorous make-up. My heart always flipped when I followed them down the street during this era. Travis’ tall figure next to her small one, that tiny hand tightly clasping his index finger, keeping her safe, and making sure she hit the best houses and got the best stuff. He’d usually arrive back at the house carrying her, because her little feet got tired, and he has never been able to tolerate Jen in any form of discomfort without making it all better.
Last year, Travis’ daughter, Kadence was almost the same exact age as Aaron was when they arrived to go trick-or-treating. We waited on the porch while Sandra got Kadence’s outfit on, and when that baby walked out in her Wonder woman costume, including winged shoes and gold bracelets of power, my heart just melted. This year, Kadence and Sandra were pirate wenches, while Aidan was a tiny, wiggly, giggly, glow-in-the-dark, skeleton.
Traditions in life change so much and sometimes disappear as life evolves. It makes even more precious this long tradition of ours. These memories began when Travis was in diapers, my dad’s hair and beard were a deep dark brown, and he had way more of it. One year Mother wanted to be a witch and I painted her face so wickedly well the kids were afraid to take candy from her. She swore after that she’d never be the bad witch again. There were years with babies in our arms, little hands grasping our fingers, pulling them in a wagon or pushing a stroller, and carrying them when their tiny feet got tired. Every year, my mind flashes back to images of miniature vampires, pink princesses, the giant spider costume Travis requested one year, Jen wearing a princess dress three years in a row, and I know I’ll never forget tonight’s tiny laughing skeleton.
I relish these memories. They are so cherished and I keep them very close to my heart because they sustain me during difficult, dark, and tough times. I look forward to the time when Max and I are the white haired great-grandparents, Travis and Jen are our strong guardians, and their grandchildren in diapers and ready for their first taste of that good sweet stuff. These traditions, and the wonderful bright and colorful memories they provide, are just a small fraction of what makes life such a beautiful and wonderful thing. I can’t wait for all the good stuff yet to come!!!
While we hand out candy to the spooky little witches and Supermans, we sit on the porch and reminisce about past years and costumes. Travis’ first costume was an old devil costume of Max’s, with a headband with horns and a cape three times as long as he was. His favorite part of the treats that year were the bright colors on the packages, and Max ate all his chocolate.
My parents don’t like to talk about Aaron, but Max and I always remember, with simultaneous sadness and sweetness, the only time Travis got to go with his brother. Aaron was 16 months old; Travis was five and a half. They went as matching vampires in capes I made from an old dress of mine. Aaron was getting over chicken pox, no longer contagious, but the makeup covered up his spots. Travis raided Aaron’s bucket of candy, and I remember Aaron saying, “No, bubba!” to him, the same way Kadence does now to Aidan.
Travis was eight years old when Jen was born, and he could not wait to take her trick-or-treating, even though she was only 5 months old. Hook was his favorite movie at the moment, and he went as a pirate, with a long black wig, sash at the waist, and a hook created from aluminum foil by his creative mom. Every time he’d run back from a house, he would show Jen the candy he got, while Jen only looked at him with the wide-eyed adoration she’s had for him since birth.
By the time Jen was eight, we had moved to Lufkin and lived out in the country where we never had trick-or-treaters. We just started at Mema and Papa’s house, carrying costumes to their house and getting ready there. Travis always danced and fidgeted, anxiously waiting for Jen to get ready. He’d then take her by the hand, leading her around the neighborhood, teaching her all his trick-or-treat tips, and always reminding her to say “thank you.” That year, Jen was a glamour girl, in a red sequined dress I made her, hair up in a fashionable bun highlighted by a tiara, and glamorous make-up. My heart always flipped when I followed them down the street during this era. Travis’ tall figure next to her small one, that tiny hand tightly clasping his index finger, keeping her safe, and making sure she hit the best houses and got the best stuff. He’d usually arrive back at the house carrying her, because her little feet got tired, and he has never been able to tolerate Jen in any form of discomfort without making it all better.
Last year, Travis’ daughter, Kadence was almost the same exact age as Aaron was when they arrived to go trick-or-treating. We waited on the porch while Sandra got Kadence’s outfit on, and when that baby walked out in her Wonder woman costume, including winged shoes and gold bracelets of power, my heart just melted. This year, Kadence and Sandra were pirate wenches, while Aidan was a tiny, wiggly, giggly, glow-in-the-dark, skeleton.
Traditions in life change so much and sometimes disappear as life evolves. It makes even more precious this long tradition of ours. These memories began when Travis was in diapers, my dad’s hair and beard were a deep dark brown, and he had way more of it. One year Mother wanted to be a witch and I painted her face so wickedly well the kids were afraid to take candy from her. She swore after that she’d never be the bad witch again. There were years with babies in our arms, little hands grasping our fingers, pulling them in a wagon or pushing a stroller, and carrying them when their tiny feet got tired. Every year, my mind flashes back to images of miniature vampires, pink princesses, the giant spider costume Travis requested one year, Jen wearing a princess dress three years in a row, and I know I’ll never forget tonight’s tiny laughing skeleton.
I relish these memories. They are so cherished and I keep them very close to my heart because they sustain me during difficult, dark, and tough times. I look forward to the time when Max and I are the white haired great-grandparents, Travis and Jen are our strong guardians, and their grandchildren in diapers and ready for their first taste of that good sweet stuff. These traditions, and the wonderful bright and colorful memories they provide, are just a small fraction of what makes life such a beautiful and wonderful thing. I can’t wait for all the good stuff yet to come!!!
Monday, October 17, 2011
What I Learned About Facebook in Two Weeks
Two weeks ago, I was really bored at work and started hiding all the Facebook ads. It gets a little addictive and I never stopped. This was how FB responded:
No matter how many times you hide Zappo and PetSmart and WalMart, they come back; they must make huge FB 'contributions.'
Despite the fact that I consistently marked everything 'uninteresting' I continued to get ads related to things I am interested in, which means the ads are linked to what we write. For instance; if I post a picture or participate in a photography-related post, I get ads about getting degrees in photography or learning about it online or websites with pictures. If I mention a glass of wine, i get a rehab ad (that one always cracks me up). If I mention my grandies, I get ads for toddler stuff. So, they really do pay attention to what we say, except when we request changes or complain that we don't like the new format or that we need help with it. I'd still like to get rid of that new ticker and just go back to having the most current statuses on top without designating anything a 'top story.'
Finally, a couple of times I got a little pop-up asking me to take a survey about what I would be interested in seeing. Of course, I'm always interested in improving FB, so both times I clicked it. Sadly, neither time did the link work.
In addition, during this time period, I had another FB issue come up regarding a real security problem, which at this time, I’m still not sure is resolved. After an extensive search of the Facebook Insecurity Center, got no help. After an extensive search for a "Contact Us" button, found none. And after a direct message to Mr. Zuckerberg himself, got no response.
I'll leave ya'll to take this news as you wish....
Personally, I’ve learned to be careful when friending others. I’ve friended several new people on FB with no problems whatsoever. Sometimes the relationship continues and sometimes not, just like ‘real’ life. It’s not the first time I’ve learned to be careful, and it won’t be the last. It’s part of life. You can live and trust or not. It’s your choice, but so are the consequences. This is an occasional consequence in my choice.
The irony of the entire situation is that I still like Facebook, but it has nothing to do with the ads or stalkers or them tracking my status updates. It has everything to do with reconnecting with friends I grew up with, keeping up with friends who live far away, getting to see pics of my nephew’s football games and my grandkids during their days, getting to share pictures I take and finding out what people think of them, finding new friends with common interests, bitching about common pet peeves (stupid litterbugs), getting to vent the goofiness that flies through my head during the day, and yes, making new friends. Overall, I think Facebook is a good thing; it's just a bit of a pain sometimes.
Love to all those I love who love me back,
allison
No matter how many times you hide Zappo and PetSmart and WalMart, they come back; they must make huge FB 'contributions.'
Despite the fact that I consistently marked everything 'uninteresting' I continued to get ads related to things I am interested in, which means the ads are linked to what we write. For instance; if I post a picture or participate in a photography-related post, I get ads about getting degrees in photography or learning about it online or websites with pictures. If I mention a glass of wine, i get a rehab ad (that one always cracks me up). If I mention my grandies, I get ads for toddler stuff. So, they really do pay attention to what we say, except when we request changes or complain that we don't like the new format or that we need help with it. I'd still like to get rid of that new ticker and just go back to having the most current statuses on top without designating anything a 'top story.'
Finally, a couple of times I got a little pop-up asking me to take a survey about what I would be interested in seeing. Of course, I'm always interested in improving FB, so both times I clicked it. Sadly, neither time did the link work.
In addition, during this time period, I had another FB issue come up regarding a real security problem, which at this time, I’m still not sure is resolved. After an extensive search of the Facebook Insecurity Center, got no help. After an extensive search for a "Contact Us" button, found none. And after a direct message to Mr. Zuckerberg himself, got no response.
I'll leave ya'll to take this news as you wish....
Personally, I’ve learned to be careful when friending others. I’ve friended several new people on FB with no problems whatsoever. Sometimes the relationship continues and sometimes not, just like ‘real’ life. It’s not the first time I’ve learned to be careful, and it won’t be the last. It’s part of life. You can live and trust or not. It’s your choice, but so are the consequences. This is an occasional consequence in my choice.
The irony of the entire situation is that I still like Facebook, but it has nothing to do with the ads or stalkers or them tracking my status updates. It has everything to do with reconnecting with friends I grew up with, keeping up with friends who live far away, getting to see pics of my nephew’s football games and my grandkids during their days, getting to share pictures I take and finding out what people think of them, finding new friends with common interests, bitching about common pet peeves (stupid litterbugs), getting to vent the goofiness that flies through my head during the day, and yes, making new friends. Overall, I think Facebook is a good thing; it's just a bit of a pain sometimes.
Love to all those I love who love me back,
allison
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Today at the Pond, 10-12-11
Today, when I went to feed Elvis, something magical happened. It was a really incredible moment in nature, and I have to share this one in words.
I got to the pond about 5:30, parked the car, and walked the little path to where Elvis and I have been meeting. He has not been eating as much bread lately, but he always eats a couple of pieces, and the turtles and perch enjoy the rest. We had a nice rain this afternoon. Well, I say nice. It rained, that’s the big thing. It was just one brief shower, but after a summer when I can remember all the specific dates it rained, any brief shower is welcome.
It was still raining when I got to the pond and I can’t take the camera down to Elvis when it’s raining. I don’t mind getting wet, but I love my camera. This is why I did not visually record what happened. Elvis parallels me in the water as I follow the path through the woods, and while I climb down the bank, he moves in closer. Today was so pretty after it rained. It was just sprinkling by the time I got to him. The sun was peeking through to the west, and I kept looking back east to see if there was a rainbow. The rain passed and the surface of the pond was as pristine as window glass. Elvis actually came up on the bank, flapping his wings for me within three feet of where I was standing. He is always less threatened when I’m down low, so I just sat down in the wet grass and hand fed him tonight. That’s the first time in ages I’ve gotten to do that.
After 2-3 pieces, he’d had enough and headed out. The entire time I’m feeding him, of course, the turtles and the perch are swarming around the extra pieces I throw out to keep them away from Elvis. Elvis swam through them, scattering the perch in a thousand different directions. One zipped across the water for a good 12-15 feet before finally submerging! I like watching Elvis swim across that mirror of the pond, watching the V of his wake spreading across the whole pond, so I stayed there watching him until he got to the island. While I was paying attention to him, I did not notice that the waters around me had calmed, and I could see through to the bottom of the pond. I watched the perch swimming through, and several huge soft-shelled turtles and red-eared sliders came up on the mud in front of me to get Elvis’ scraps. It’s amazing to see these wild animals so close. Normally turtles scatter when any human approaches. I scarcely breathed while I watched them. I knew if I made the slightest motion they would scatter, muddying the water and ending the show. As usual, the turtles were snapping at each other, and fighting over the small scraps of bread. They can be very entertaining, especially to a nature-loving geek like myself.
As I was watching the turtles, the perch, and the big bass slapping their tails on the water, something caught the corner of my eye. As I looked to my right, I saw the year-round resident American coot sidling up on my right. He was less than 20 feet away when I noticed him. I’ve been thinking for a couple of weeks now that he’s been feeding on Elvis’ leftovers along with everybody else. Several times, I’ve gotten him on video within 50-100 feet of where I was standing. I sat there like a statue: on the wet grass, with those funny little grass bugs crawling all over my already itchy psoriasis legs. I dared not move. Had I brushed aside a hair, scratched an itch, or heaven forbid, sneezed, the coot would have taken off running across the water. I scarcely breathed as he came, closer, closer, closer. He was much smaller up close than I thought he would be, bigger than the pied-billed grebe he hangs out with, like the size of a wood duck but smaller than a teal. He is about one-third Elvis’ size, but Elvis is an anomaly anyway. As I was watching the coot, moving only my eyes, I glanced out and about 15 feet out from the shoreline was the pied-billed grebe that keeps this coot company. The grebe likes to move in on the perch after I feed Elvis. All I’ve ever seen the coot eat is vegetation; all I’ve seen the grebe eat is fish. They make a good pair of companions and are never far apart. The grebe glided over the water closer to me, cautiously aware of me and unsure if it was safe to come close.
I didn’t move a muscle or make a sound. The grebe has NEVER come close to me. I just watched as both these birds glided nearer. The coot pecked at Elvis’ leftovers, while the grebe dived within five feet of me, resurfacing right beside the coot, swirling in circles as he swallowed the perch he caught. Then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any better nature-geek wise, across this mirror of the pond, the great egret that lives at the pond sailed over the water, his reflection flying along the surface. He landed about 50 feet down the bank from the rest of us and began hunting for his dinner along the moss beds.
The whole time I’m watching this incredibly display of nature, everything is backlit by this huge gorgeous Texas sky, filled with pink and blue and purple clouds moving out after the rain. As I look out toward the VFW building, the sky is dark and I can see the showers still falling toward the south. Toward the east, the sky has cleared and taken on that golden magic light of twilight that we photographers chase every day. Toward the west, the setting sun has lit the clouds in all the colors of life, demonstrating God’s beauty in all its glory. Behind me are the woods, which are a thin strip between the pond and the nearby road. Although I can hear cars moving on the road behind me, I sit, in this quiet, peaceful place, surrounded by amazing natural beauty. I felt like God was sharing a special secret with me.
I wish I could have recorded all of this on video; it really was an amazing visual experience. But on 10/12/11, “Today at the Pond” exists only in my memory. I don’t feel my words even come close to describing the experience.
Eventually, everything beautiful ends.....the egret ate a perch and moved across the pond to his usual hunting spot. The grebe, full from his dinner, glided back to the island, most likely to prepare for his evening roost. Elvis spotted the coot close to me hastily swam over from the island. Sometimes, Elvis can be a bit of a tyrant. He used to peck at Ducky sometimes when he thought Ducky as stealing his bread, and today he swam between me and the coot. He didn’t peck the coot, he just pecked toward him, warning the coot off. The coot swam on down the shoreline, away from me. Once he reestablished his dominance, Elvis returned to the island. Bread gone, the perch and turtles retreated to the depths of the pond.
I got up, chastising myself for my now-soaked butt, and took one last look around. I thank God every day for the pond; it is a very special place to me, not just because of Elvis, but because I really am a total true nature nut, and I have seen things there I might never have seen, and it’s all within 15 minutes of my home. That place is a true heavenly gift to me; I am eternally grateful for it. Tonight was particularly beautiful, and I am especially grateful. Thank you, Lord!
FOOTNOTE:
A little background on these four birds: Elvis, the American coot, the great egret, and the pied-billed grebe. In the winter, there are normally 8-10 grebes and 8-10 coots living at the pond. After this summer and the drought, with so little water and food, I don’t know what will happen this winter. But normally, they divide into two groups, and chase each other off their personal turf whenever necessary. When late spring comes, the other grebes and coots disappear and only one of each species remain. I always wondered why only these singles stayed year-round. This summer, I realized one of the coot’s wings is about six inches shorter than the other. I’ve never seen this coot fly, and I’m assuming he can’t. I don’t know how he got the short wing, I don’t know if my assumption is correct, and I don’t even know if this is the same coot I’ve been watching for the past four years. All I know is there is only ever one coot, only one grebe, and only one great egret that stay at the pond year-round. These three birds, along with Elvis, are constant residents. The egret is alone because he chases all the other egrets off. Elvis is alone because he is Elvis and the only semi-domesticated Muscovy that’s ever shown up there. Elvis is a very capable flier; he just keeps coming back because he wants to, I guess. There have been a few times when he disappeared for a few days, but so far, he’s always come back. I don’t know why the one grebe is always there, but I have to guess it is because he cannot fly. I’ve never seen this single grebe fly, but unlike the coot, I’ve not seen any particular handicap that might explain why he doesn’t. In time, I may eventually find out why, and I may not. Some day, I know, Elvis will disappear too, and I may never know what happened to him. Part of the intrigue of watching nature is seeing things you never know the reasons for. Nature is a wonder. That’s what keeps me watching.
I got to the pond about 5:30, parked the car, and walked the little path to where Elvis and I have been meeting. He has not been eating as much bread lately, but he always eats a couple of pieces, and the turtles and perch enjoy the rest. We had a nice rain this afternoon. Well, I say nice. It rained, that’s the big thing. It was just one brief shower, but after a summer when I can remember all the specific dates it rained, any brief shower is welcome.
It was still raining when I got to the pond and I can’t take the camera down to Elvis when it’s raining. I don’t mind getting wet, but I love my camera. This is why I did not visually record what happened. Elvis parallels me in the water as I follow the path through the woods, and while I climb down the bank, he moves in closer. Today was so pretty after it rained. It was just sprinkling by the time I got to him. The sun was peeking through to the west, and I kept looking back east to see if there was a rainbow. The rain passed and the surface of the pond was as pristine as window glass. Elvis actually came up on the bank, flapping his wings for me within three feet of where I was standing. He is always less threatened when I’m down low, so I just sat down in the wet grass and hand fed him tonight. That’s the first time in ages I’ve gotten to do that.
After 2-3 pieces, he’d had enough and headed out. The entire time I’m feeding him, of course, the turtles and the perch are swarming around the extra pieces I throw out to keep them away from Elvis. Elvis swam through them, scattering the perch in a thousand different directions. One zipped across the water for a good 12-15 feet before finally submerging! I like watching Elvis swim across that mirror of the pond, watching the V of his wake spreading across the whole pond, so I stayed there watching him until he got to the island. While I was paying attention to him, I did not notice that the waters around me had calmed, and I could see through to the bottom of the pond. I watched the perch swimming through, and several huge soft-shelled turtles and red-eared sliders came up on the mud in front of me to get Elvis’ scraps. It’s amazing to see these wild animals so close. Normally turtles scatter when any human approaches. I scarcely breathed while I watched them. I knew if I made the slightest motion they would scatter, muddying the water and ending the show. As usual, the turtles were snapping at each other, and fighting over the small scraps of bread. They can be very entertaining, especially to a nature-loving geek like myself.
As I was watching the turtles, the perch, and the big bass slapping their tails on the water, something caught the corner of my eye. As I looked to my right, I saw the year-round resident American coot sidling up on my right. He was less than 20 feet away when I noticed him. I’ve been thinking for a couple of weeks now that he’s been feeding on Elvis’ leftovers along with everybody else. Several times, I’ve gotten him on video within 50-100 feet of where I was standing. I sat there like a statue: on the wet grass, with those funny little grass bugs crawling all over my already itchy psoriasis legs. I dared not move. Had I brushed aside a hair, scratched an itch, or heaven forbid, sneezed, the coot would have taken off running across the water. I scarcely breathed as he came, closer, closer, closer. He was much smaller up close than I thought he would be, bigger than the pied-billed grebe he hangs out with, like the size of a wood duck but smaller than a teal. He is about one-third Elvis’ size, but Elvis is an anomaly anyway. As I was watching the coot, moving only my eyes, I glanced out and about 15 feet out from the shoreline was the pied-billed grebe that keeps this coot company. The grebe likes to move in on the perch after I feed Elvis. All I’ve ever seen the coot eat is vegetation; all I’ve seen the grebe eat is fish. They make a good pair of companions and are never far apart. The grebe glided over the water closer to me, cautiously aware of me and unsure if it was safe to come close.
I didn’t move a muscle or make a sound. The grebe has NEVER come close to me. I just watched as both these birds glided nearer. The coot pecked at Elvis’ leftovers, while the grebe dived within five feet of me, resurfacing right beside the coot, swirling in circles as he swallowed the perch he caught. Then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any better nature-geek wise, across this mirror of the pond, the great egret that lives at the pond sailed over the water, his reflection flying along the surface. He landed about 50 feet down the bank from the rest of us and began hunting for his dinner along the moss beds.
The whole time I’m watching this incredibly display of nature, everything is backlit by this huge gorgeous Texas sky, filled with pink and blue and purple clouds moving out after the rain. As I look out toward the VFW building, the sky is dark and I can see the showers still falling toward the south. Toward the east, the sky has cleared and taken on that golden magic light of twilight that we photographers chase every day. Toward the west, the setting sun has lit the clouds in all the colors of life, demonstrating God’s beauty in all its glory. Behind me are the woods, which are a thin strip between the pond and the nearby road. Although I can hear cars moving on the road behind me, I sit, in this quiet, peaceful place, surrounded by amazing natural beauty. I felt like God was sharing a special secret with me.
I wish I could have recorded all of this on video; it really was an amazing visual experience. But on 10/12/11, “Today at the Pond” exists only in my memory. I don’t feel my words even come close to describing the experience.
Eventually, everything beautiful ends.....the egret ate a perch and moved across the pond to his usual hunting spot. The grebe, full from his dinner, glided back to the island, most likely to prepare for his evening roost. Elvis spotted the coot close to me hastily swam over from the island. Sometimes, Elvis can be a bit of a tyrant. He used to peck at Ducky sometimes when he thought Ducky as stealing his bread, and today he swam between me and the coot. He didn’t peck the coot, he just pecked toward him, warning the coot off. The coot swam on down the shoreline, away from me. Once he reestablished his dominance, Elvis returned to the island. Bread gone, the perch and turtles retreated to the depths of the pond.
I got up, chastising myself for my now-soaked butt, and took one last look around. I thank God every day for the pond; it is a very special place to me, not just because of Elvis, but because I really am a total true nature nut, and I have seen things there I might never have seen, and it’s all within 15 minutes of my home. That place is a true heavenly gift to me; I am eternally grateful for it. Tonight was particularly beautiful, and I am especially grateful. Thank you, Lord!
FOOTNOTE:
A little background on these four birds: Elvis, the American coot, the great egret, and the pied-billed grebe. In the winter, there are normally 8-10 grebes and 8-10 coots living at the pond. After this summer and the drought, with so little water and food, I don’t know what will happen this winter. But normally, they divide into two groups, and chase each other off their personal turf whenever necessary. When late spring comes, the other grebes and coots disappear and only one of each species remain. I always wondered why only these singles stayed year-round. This summer, I realized one of the coot’s wings is about six inches shorter than the other. I’ve never seen this coot fly, and I’m assuming he can’t. I don’t know how he got the short wing, I don’t know if my assumption is correct, and I don’t even know if this is the same coot I’ve been watching for the past four years. All I know is there is only ever one coot, only one grebe, and only one great egret that stay at the pond year-round. These three birds, along with Elvis, are constant residents. The egret is alone because he chases all the other egrets off. Elvis is alone because he is Elvis and the only semi-domesticated Muscovy that’s ever shown up there. Elvis is a very capable flier; he just keeps coming back because he wants to, I guess. There have been a few times when he disappeared for a few days, but so far, he’s always come back. I don’t know why the one grebe is always there, but I have to guess it is because he cannot fly. I’ve never seen this single grebe fly, but unlike the coot, I’ve not seen any particular handicap that might explain why he doesn’t. In time, I may eventually find out why, and I may not. Some day, I know, Elvis will disappear too, and I may never know what happened to him. Part of the intrigue of watching nature is seeing things you never know the reasons for. Nature is a wonder. That’s what keeps me watching.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Remembering....
I wrote these after 9/11
9/12/01
From a perfect blue September sky
Darkness fell
And we, a nation bound together in shock,
We sat
We watched
Overwhelmed by our awakening
Knowledge that yes,
We were one nation, yes
We were indivisible, yes
Our fellow workers, friends, mothers, fathers,
Pain was our own.
In panicked moments we
Phoned to make sure, that niece
That nephew, were they? Did he?
Touching base to ensure the
Safety of our own loved.
Aching, hurt, blind and bleeding from the
Cuts of cowardly madmen
Whose low acts made us
One injured entity.
Looking for avenues to assist
Praying for survivors
Longing for the normality of
The previous day.
Never again to rest on our laurels
Never again to take for granted
The freedom our fellow men
Enjoyed till the moment of their end.
Always to remember
In their honor,
For their children and ours,
That freedom must perpetuate.
9/21/01
In my hometown….
Folks congregate at the store to drink Cokes and smoke and
talk and catch up with old friends and see who's out and about.
Sunday fills the churches.
High school football is the sport of choice.
Prejudice and pride, partiality and tolerance live side by side.
In my hometown….
Elders teach us how to can figs and play 42.
We have fire ants and pine trees,
Beer drinkers and Baptists.
We don’t keep up with the Jones.
Your way is your way.
There are more pick-ups than cell phones,
Logging feeds families.
Our voices have a twang,
Our dogs are dawgs,
Our cars get oll.
Chicken fried steak is a food group.
In my hometown….
Computers are the latest greatest:
The internet not such a bad thing at all.
Daddy sells on ebay,
Mama emails kids who never call.
In my hometown….
Laziness meets with disapproval.
The police catch the bad guys.
Parents spank their children when they misbehave.
Children say "sir" and "ma’am,"
Knowing to forget such words is disrespectful.
In my hometown….
The pace is slower,
Folks say "hi,"
Look you in the eye,
Talk to you in the grocery store
Smile when they give you change
Usually forget to check your I.D.
In my hometown….
We need a break.
Our hearts are overwhelmed
with terror and injury
and hope.
Old Glory reigns
Patriotism runs high.
In my hometown….
We lit candles and prayed
It was a dream,
We sang
We re-united
Wishing that day had never come.
In my hometown….
We believe in "one nation, under God,"
"Truth, justice and the American way,"
The Golden Rule.
In my hometown….
We believe…
And that makes all things possible.
9/12/01
From a perfect blue September sky
Darkness fell
And we, a nation bound together in shock,
We sat
We watched
Overwhelmed by our awakening
Knowledge that yes,
We were one nation, yes
We were indivisible, yes
Our fellow workers, friends, mothers, fathers,
Pain was our own.
In panicked moments we
Phoned to make sure, that niece
That nephew, were they? Did he?
Touching base to ensure the
Safety of our own loved.
Aching, hurt, blind and bleeding from the
Cuts of cowardly madmen
Whose low acts made us
One injured entity.
Looking for avenues to assist
Praying for survivors
Longing for the normality of
The previous day.
Never again to rest on our laurels
Never again to take for granted
The freedom our fellow men
Enjoyed till the moment of their end.
Always to remember
In their honor,
For their children and ours,
That freedom must perpetuate.
9/21/01
In my hometown….
Folks congregate at the store to drink Cokes and smoke and
talk and catch up with old friends and see who's out and about.
Sunday fills the churches.
High school football is the sport of choice.
Prejudice and pride, partiality and tolerance live side by side.
In my hometown….
Elders teach us how to can figs and play 42.
We have fire ants and pine trees,
Beer drinkers and Baptists.
We don’t keep up with the Jones.
Your way is your way.
There are more pick-ups than cell phones,
Logging feeds families.
Our voices have a twang,
Our dogs are dawgs,
Our cars get oll.
Chicken fried steak is a food group.
In my hometown….
Computers are the latest greatest:
The internet not such a bad thing at all.
Daddy sells on ebay,
Mama emails kids who never call.
In my hometown….
Laziness meets with disapproval.
The police catch the bad guys.
Parents spank their children when they misbehave.
Children say "sir" and "ma’am,"
Knowing to forget such words is disrespectful.
In my hometown….
The pace is slower,
Folks say "hi,"
Look you in the eye,
Talk to you in the grocery store
Smile when they give you change
Usually forget to check your I.D.
In my hometown….
We need a break.
Our hearts are overwhelmed
with terror and injury
and hope.
Old Glory reigns
Patriotism runs high.
In my hometown….
We lit candles and prayed
It was a dream,
We sang
We re-united
Wishing that day had never come.
In my hometown….
We believe in "one nation, under God,"
"Truth, justice and the American way,"
The Golden Rule.
In my hometown….
We believe…
And that makes all things possible.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
JUNE is a 4-letter word
For many years now, Max and I have been aware that some pretty incredible and pretty awful things have happened to our family between the first of May and the last day of June. It’s kind of freaky when you look it all at once:
June, 1984, we moved into our first house and there was a solar eclipse the same day. June 1985, my best friend, Gail, was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I had surgery; we had our surgeries the same day. In June 1986, Gail’s cancer came back in her lungs. In 1988, I gave birth to Aaron the same day Gail was having brain surgery because her cancer spread there. (Gail died just before Christmas of 1989.) June 1989 was Aarons first birthday and the only birthday party he ever got to have. In June of 1990, Aaron died. In June of 1991, I had surgery to remove scar tissue, and my mentor, Kathe, died. She was an incredibly strong and amazing woman; Jen is named after her. May 1992, Jen was born. June 1993, we lost our house. June 1994, we were attacked by a crazy woman who stalked us that whole summer. June 1995, I fell and broke my shoulder. 1996 was the year I had ovarian cancer, and in June, I was back in ICU with a thrombosis in my neck. June 1997, our vegetable garden was vandalized while we were out of town; all of our hard work pulled up and destroyed. June 1998, my last grandfather, Grandpa Russell died. June 2000, Travis was in the hospital with a bowel obstruction. May and June 2002, our house was replumbed and repainted, Travis graduated from high school, I got a black eye from a bungee cord, saw my biological father for the first time in 30 years, and was back in ICU with spinal meningitis. Late May 2003, my friend, Jana died from complications of breast cancer (I miss her every single day). In May of 2004, Jen was in the hospital, the starter on the car died, and I was in the hospital again for complications from scar tissue. June of 2005 was easier, just one car malfunction that year (with 2 weeks in the shop). But May 13, 2006 nearly destroyed us when my Uncle Lee died very unexpectedly. In June of 2007, after months of struggling financially, we filed bankruptcy; it started on the anniversary of Aaron’s death. In 2008, my oldest niece graduated, my best friend’s daughter graduated, we had a bat invasion at our house, I dropped a fan on my foot and broke my toe, and my best friend, Kathy, who I’d known for 20+ years, had a psychotic break and tried to shoot my husband. In June of 2009, my granddaughter, Kadence was born, the central air shorted out, my 2nd oldest nephew graduated, and my sister and I had a moment over something stupid (not a happy moment). June 2010, I was working two jobs, including for the Census. I filed a complaint against them and was fired. May and June of 2011, the van died and was out of commission for two weeks, Jen graduated, Jess visited, my brother visited, Jen won a blue ribbon at the regional art show, we threw Jen’s graduation party, our central air was fixed after two years, and our bankruptcy closed out a year early.
So, Max and I tend to get a little nervous when May and June roll around; it’s just tends to be a drama-filled time for us.
Since Tuesday night, when I found out our bankruptcy was over a year early, I’ve felt like I was living in a dream. Everything’s a little blurry and off-kilter. You know the feeling, how you don’t know what to believe and what is false, what you hope is real and what is really real. The fact that this IS real, not a clerical error, not someone pranking us (which would be unbelievably mean), NOT a dream----well, I’m someone who lives by words, and I’m speechless. I’ve spent the past six weeks worrying sick over my car, cause ya’ll know how it is, no car, no job. And Max’s car that he drives back and forth to Houston in each week has 100K miles on it; I get scared every week when he leaves for Houston in that car. But there was no way whatsoever we could make a car note when $1000 of our income goes to the bankruptcy court right off the bat each month. Jen’s senior year was unbelievably expensive, and we’ve been living hand-to-mouth trying to make ends meet. So, when I find out that we get back that $1000 a month, that we can breathe a little easier and get Max a better car, it’s just overwhelming!
There is no explanation for the good or the bad or when it comes; it’s just what we get in life. Why it goes in cycles like this, I have no idea. It’s not that good and bad things don’t happen to us the rest of the year, it just seems like May and June all the drama is squared and there is some thrill or crisis every single week.
All I can do during times like this is what I always do. I give my heart and my soul to the Lord; I put it all in His very capable hands. He is the guiding hand. He knows what we need, when we need it, when we are weak, and when we are strong. Even during times I didn’t think he knew me well, I still know in my heart that He will always keep us strong during times of trial, and appreciative during times of joy. There’s been a lot of Junes when there was only one set of footprints in the sand because He was carrying us.
So, today’s blog is just a long way of saying, thank you Lord, for our lives and all that the word “life” encompasses! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
June, 1984, we moved into our first house and there was a solar eclipse the same day. June 1985, my best friend, Gail, was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I had surgery; we had our surgeries the same day. In June 1986, Gail’s cancer came back in her lungs. In 1988, I gave birth to Aaron the same day Gail was having brain surgery because her cancer spread there. (Gail died just before Christmas of 1989.) June 1989 was Aarons first birthday and the only birthday party he ever got to have. In June of 1990, Aaron died. In June of 1991, I had surgery to remove scar tissue, and my mentor, Kathe, died. She was an incredibly strong and amazing woman; Jen is named after her. May 1992, Jen was born. June 1993, we lost our house. June 1994, we were attacked by a crazy woman who stalked us that whole summer. June 1995, I fell and broke my shoulder. 1996 was the year I had ovarian cancer, and in June, I was back in ICU with a thrombosis in my neck. June 1997, our vegetable garden was vandalized while we were out of town; all of our hard work pulled up and destroyed. June 1998, my last grandfather, Grandpa Russell died. June 2000, Travis was in the hospital with a bowel obstruction. May and June 2002, our house was replumbed and repainted, Travis graduated from high school, I got a black eye from a bungee cord, saw my biological father for the first time in 30 years, and was back in ICU with spinal meningitis. Late May 2003, my friend, Jana died from complications of breast cancer (I miss her every single day). In May of 2004, Jen was in the hospital, the starter on the car died, and I was in the hospital again for complications from scar tissue. June of 2005 was easier, just one car malfunction that year (with 2 weeks in the shop). But May 13, 2006 nearly destroyed us when my Uncle Lee died very unexpectedly. In June of 2007, after months of struggling financially, we filed bankruptcy; it started on the anniversary of Aaron’s death. In 2008, my oldest niece graduated, my best friend’s daughter graduated, we had a bat invasion at our house, I dropped a fan on my foot and broke my toe, and my best friend, Kathy, who I’d known for 20+ years, had a psychotic break and tried to shoot my husband. In June of 2009, my granddaughter, Kadence was born, the central air shorted out, my 2nd oldest nephew graduated, and my sister and I had a moment over something stupid (not a happy moment). June 2010, I was working two jobs, including for the Census. I filed a complaint against them and was fired. May and June of 2011, the van died and was out of commission for two weeks, Jen graduated, Jess visited, my brother visited, Jen won a blue ribbon at the regional art show, we threw Jen’s graduation party, our central air was fixed after two years, and our bankruptcy closed out a year early.
So, Max and I tend to get a little nervous when May and June roll around; it’s just tends to be a drama-filled time for us.
Since Tuesday night, when I found out our bankruptcy was over a year early, I’ve felt like I was living in a dream. Everything’s a little blurry and off-kilter. You know the feeling, how you don’t know what to believe and what is false, what you hope is real and what is really real. The fact that this IS real, not a clerical error, not someone pranking us (which would be unbelievably mean), NOT a dream----well, I’m someone who lives by words, and I’m speechless. I’ve spent the past six weeks worrying sick over my car, cause ya’ll know how it is, no car, no job. And Max’s car that he drives back and forth to Houston in each week has 100K miles on it; I get scared every week when he leaves for Houston in that car. But there was no way whatsoever we could make a car note when $1000 of our income goes to the bankruptcy court right off the bat each month. Jen’s senior year was unbelievably expensive, and we’ve been living hand-to-mouth trying to make ends meet. So, when I find out that we get back that $1000 a month, that we can breathe a little easier and get Max a better car, it’s just overwhelming!
There is no explanation for the good or the bad or when it comes; it’s just what we get in life. Why it goes in cycles like this, I have no idea. It’s not that good and bad things don’t happen to us the rest of the year, it just seems like May and June all the drama is squared and there is some thrill or crisis every single week.
All I can do during times like this is what I always do. I give my heart and my soul to the Lord; I put it all in His very capable hands. He is the guiding hand. He knows what we need, when we need it, when we are weak, and when we are strong. Even during times I didn’t think he knew me well, I still know in my heart that He will always keep us strong during times of trial, and appreciative during times of joy. There’s been a lot of Junes when there was only one set of footprints in the sand because He was carrying us.
So, today’s blog is just a long way of saying, thank you Lord, for our lives and all that the word “life” encompasses! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
My Eyes Won’t Stop Leaking
My sister has four kids, my brother has five, and I had three. My mother always tells people she has 11 grandchildren. I say I “had” three kids and let people hear it as they will. If they notice the past tense, I tell them my youngest son, Aaron, died. Sometimes people ask about the details; sometimes they don’t. I take it as it comes. I just want people to know he existed, ya know? He will always be a part of me, and his death is what made me the way I am now.
A little over a week ago, we celebrated our daughter, Jennifer’s, high school graduation. Jen has Asperger’s Syndrome and Pervasive Developmental Disorder, two high-functioning forms of autism. She is not normally an emotional person and seldom just bursts out into true joy. Her face when she came off that field will always be one of my most precious memories. She was beaming from ear to ear, proud of herself, excited about being the center of attention, and overjoyed with life. I was so happy for her; all I could do was run to meet her and hug her and weep and just not want to ever let go.
After the ceremony, we gathered together and my beloved friend, Jess, took pictures of our family: me and Max, Travis, Jen and Sandra, and our two grandchildren, Kadence and Aidan. I love this picture; I printed out a copy and have taped it by my desk at work. It is the wallpaper on my computer at work and my laptop. I’m not lying, I really DO love this picture. But every time I look at it, I swear, I can see Aaron’s face beaming down on us from heaven. Then, the sadness just overwhelms me. People take family portraits with all their kids. I would give my own life to have a picture of all three of my kids together.
June 11, 2001 is the 21st anniversary of Aaron’s death. He died four days after his 2nd birthday. Today is his birthday; he would be 23 years old now. Every joy in my life is not haunted, but touched by the fact that he is not there to share it with us. Where would he be now? His cousin, who is six months older, is a helicopter pilot. My sister and I used to talk about how would grow up together. His brother is a daddy now, with a gorgeous wife and two beautiful children. Those kids will never know their uncle Aaron. His baby sister has just finished high school and is going on to college. Jen never even got to meet her brother.
I don’t treasure Jen’s accomplishment any less because of Aaron’s absence, but the pain today is acute because we miss him so much at events like this. Travis’ graduation and wedding, the birth of the grandkids, Jen’s graduation—he is always absent. We will always miss him. He will ALWAYS live in our hearts.
There are people out there who think you should stop grieving after 21 years. Maybe with your parents, or a sibling or a friend, their birthday will pass or the anniversary of their death, and you will remember them and be sad they have moved on. These people are your history, we accept that we may lose them to death over time. But with your child? When you lose your child, you lose the future of your family. Your family is forever incomplete. No family portrait, no Christmas, no holiday, no wedding, no graduation, no birth, ever includes your whole family again. So, if you’re one of those people who believe that sort of thing; just believe what you want. I would not wish for my worst enemy to walk these steps and have this pain. Other people’s beliefs are their own, I can’t change them and don't try to. Just don’t berate me for feeling my feelings.
Today, my heart hurts so bad; all my feelings are sad. I can remember the touch of his hair, his smile, even how he smelled. I remember how he always called me “daddy” even after he could say mama. I remember the food fight with his brother when they threw pasta at each other and redecorated the kitchen. I remember how Aaron was afraid of the vacuum cleaner, and how he walked up and punched it one time after Max vacuumed. I remember how he loved his Nonny and carried it everywhere and we lost it once at NASA and ran all over the place in a panic to find it. I remember tucking it under his arm as he lay in his coffin. I remember the first time I cut his hair and he pointed at the hair that fell and said, “boo boo?” and then cried and wouldn’t let me finish. I remember Travis playing ‘piggy’ with Aaron’s toes, and Travis telling me he was gonna throw that new baby away cause it was a pain. I remember Aaron’s song we taught Travis to learn how to spell Aaron’s name. I remember nursing Aaron at the zoo in Houston when my sister and I went there one day. I remember him grabbing my hair spray can every morning as I got ready for work and banging it against the walls cause it made a great noise. I remember waking up the morning he went into the hospital cause he was throwing something at me, and later I found it in the bed. I still have that little green marble in my jewelry box. I remember blowing bubbles for him and Travis, and how they laughed when the dog bit the bubbles. I remember how he used to thump his feet in his crib as he was falling asleep; I heard that thump for months after he was gone. I remember him in my sister’s pool and joking about how we’d have to drain the pool to get him out, cause that’s the only reason he would ever get out of the bathtub. I remember taking him on the swings at T.C. Jester park during his brother’s baseball practice. I remember his beautiful face the day he was born.
And, I remember that first seizure in March of 1990, and the last seizure in June of 1990, and every single fucking day in that horrible hospital, living each minute looking and praying for some sign he would wake up and be Aaron again. I remember the moment I realized he never would and my knees weakening and the world swimming around me and going black and thinking I was going to faint for the first time in my life.
For a long time, our world was black. They say time heals, but it really just teaches you how to better manage the pain. The pain never really goes away, you just learn to bear the weight. I didn’t hide my tears today. I just let my eyes keep leaking. Those tears and my pain are a tribute to the love we have for him. Aaron was my precious son, and my love for him will never go away. My mind will always see that empty spot where he should be. Sometimes, I can see it and smile because he was such a happy little guy and I know he’d be smiling.
But today, that spot is just empty, and my eyes won’t stop leaking.
Mama loves you sweet pea!
A little over a week ago, we celebrated our daughter, Jennifer’s, high school graduation. Jen has Asperger’s Syndrome and Pervasive Developmental Disorder, two high-functioning forms of autism. She is not normally an emotional person and seldom just bursts out into true joy. Her face when she came off that field will always be one of my most precious memories. She was beaming from ear to ear, proud of herself, excited about being the center of attention, and overjoyed with life. I was so happy for her; all I could do was run to meet her and hug her and weep and just not want to ever let go.
After the ceremony, we gathered together and my beloved friend, Jess, took pictures of our family: me and Max, Travis, Jen and Sandra, and our two grandchildren, Kadence and Aidan. I love this picture; I printed out a copy and have taped it by my desk at work. It is the wallpaper on my computer at work and my laptop. I’m not lying, I really DO love this picture. But every time I look at it, I swear, I can see Aaron’s face beaming down on us from heaven. Then, the sadness just overwhelms me. People take family portraits with all their kids. I would give my own life to have a picture of all three of my kids together.
June 11, 2001 is the 21st anniversary of Aaron’s death. He died four days after his 2nd birthday. Today is his birthday; he would be 23 years old now. Every joy in my life is not haunted, but touched by the fact that he is not there to share it with us. Where would he be now? His cousin, who is six months older, is a helicopter pilot. My sister and I used to talk about how would grow up together. His brother is a daddy now, with a gorgeous wife and two beautiful children. Those kids will never know their uncle Aaron. His baby sister has just finished high school and is going on to college. Jen never even got to meet her brother.
I don’t treasure Jen’s accomplishment any less because of Aaron’s absence, but the pain today is acute because we miss him so much at events like this. Travis’ graduation and wedding, the birth of the grandkids, Jen’s graduation—he is always absent. We will always miss him. He will ALWAYS live in our hearts.
There are people out there who think you should stop grieving after 21 years. Maybe with your parents, or a sibling or a friend, their birthday will pass or the anniversary of their death, and you will remember them and be sad they have moved on. These people are your history, we accept that we may lose them to death over time. But with your child? When you lose your child, you lose the future of your family. Your family is forever incomplete. No family portrait, no Christmas, no holiday, no wedding, no graduation, no birth, ever includes your whole family again. So, if you’re one of those people who believe that sort of thing; just believe what you want. I would not wish for my worst enemy to walk these steps and have this pain. Other people’s beliefs are their own, I can’t change them and don't try to. Just don’t berate me for feeling my feelings.
Today, my heart hurts so bad; all my feelings are sad. I can remember the touch of his hair, his smile, even how he smelled. I remember how he always called me “daddy” even after he could say mama. I remember the food fight with his brother when they threw pasta at each other and redecorated the kitchen. I remember how Aaron was afraid of the vacuum cleaner, and how he walked up and punched it one time after Max vacuumed. I remember how he loved his Nonny and carried it everywhere and we lost it once at NASA and ran all over the place in a panic to find it. I remember tucking it under his arm as he lay in his coffin. I remember the first time I cut his hair and he pointed at the hair that fell and said, “boo boo?” and then cried and wouldn’t let me finish. I remember Travis playing ‘piggy’ with Aaron’s toes, and Travis telling me he was gonna throw that new baby away cause it was a pain. I remember Aaron’s song we taught Travis to learn how to spell Aaron’s name. I remember nursing Aaron at the zoo in Houston when my sister and I went there one day. I remember him grabbing my hair spray can every morning as I got ready for work and banging it against the walls cause it made a great noise. I remember waking up the morning he went into the hospital cause he was throwing something at me, and later I found it in the bed. I still have that little green marble in my jewelry box. I remember blowing bubbles for him and Travis, and how they laughed when the dog bit the bubbles. I remember how he used to thump his feet in his crib as he was falling asleep; I heard that thump for months after he was gone. I remember him in my sister’s pool and joking about how we’d have to drain the pool to get him out, cause that’s the only reason he would ever get out of the bathtub. I remember taking him on the swings at T.C. Jester park during his brother’s baseball practice. I remember his beautiful face the day he was born.
And, I remember that first seizure in March of 1990, and the last seizure in June of 1990, and every single fucking day in that horrible hospital, living each minute looking and praying for some sign he would wake up and be Aaron again. I remember the moment I realized he never would and my knees weakening and the world swimming around me and going black and thinking I was going to faint for the first time in my life.
For a long time, our world was black. They say time heals, but it really just teaches you how to better manage the pain. The pain never really goes away, you just learn to bear the weight. I didn’t hide my tears today. I just let my eyes keep leaking. Those tears and my pain are a tribute to the love we have for him. Aaron was my precious son, and my love for him will never go away. My mind will always see that empty spot where he should be. Sometimes, I can see it and smile because he was such a happy little guy and I know he’d be smiling.
But today, that spot is just empty, and my eyes won’t stop leaking.
Mama loves you sweet pea!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Five Question Friday
wow, haven't posted in ages! I pretty much have to be inspired to write a blog. I'm always tied up when I get home, trying to edit whatever pics I took that day, get whatever housework and errands done that need to be done, and trying to get some food into my family that I seldom post unless there's something I really want to say.
But............I liked Five Question Friday :-)) so thanks for the inspiration!
Five Question Friday was brought to you by fivecrookedhalos. Again, you are welcome to do them yourself in the comments or on your own blog! : )
1. Tube socks, calf socks, crew, ankle, none? I like calf socks in the winter, in the wildest colors I can find. Sometimes, if it's REALLY cold, I wear two pairs. (My feet get cold!) in the summer, in Texas? NO socks!!!
2. Was your childs (children’s) name a mutual decision or was it a debate? If you don’t have children, do you plan on giving your spouse a say, or do you have a name you MUST have, regardless if your other half likes it or not?! I wanted to name my first son Travis, after my grandfather, decided on that soon after my grandfather died when I was 13. Max loved his grandfather as well, so his middle name is Dewey, after Max's grandfather. Max picked Aaron's first name and I picked his middle name, Tyler. With Jennifer, Travis, Max, and I laid in bed one morning and picked it out of a baby book. It was the only name all three of us liked (personally, I wanted Emma or Hannah). Her middle name is Kathe, after a woman I worked for. I had a tremendous admiration for her. She passed on in 1991, and I still miss her.
3. What is your favorite type of weather? Spring and fall in Texas; the light in the fall is simply amazing. It makes long shadows that stretch across the yard, and the color is amazing. Spring is pretty much a favorite for the same reason, the light. I like watching all the new life spring forth in flowers, trees, animals....it's what I live for. Summer is usually too hot and winter too cold, although I love it when it snows!!
4. If left to your own devices, what time would you wake up every day? Used to be around noon, but lately, I wake up at 5:30 no matter what's on the agenda for the day.
5. Have you bought your cemetery plots yet? No, I want to be cremated, but we bought Max's plot when we got Aaron's.
So, there ya go, a new blog post!!!
But............I liked Five Question Friday :-)) so thanks for the inspiration!
Five Question Friday was brought to you by fivecrookedhalos. Again, you are welcome to do them yourself in the comments or on your own blog! : )
1. Tube socks, calf socks, crew, ankle, none? I like calf socks in the winter, in the wildest colors I can find. Sometimes, if it's REALLY cold, I wear two pairs. (My feet get cold!) in the summer, in Texas? NO socks!!!
2. Was your childs (children’s) name a mutual decision or was it a debate? If you don’t have children, do you plan on giving your spouse a say, or do you have a name you MUST have, regardless if your other half likes it or not?! I wanted to name my first son Travis, after my grandfather, decided on that soon after my grandfather died when I was 13. Max loved his grandfather as well, so his middle name is Dewey, after Max's grandfather. Max picked Aaron's first name and I picked his middle name, Tyler. With Jennifer, Travis, Max, and I laid in bed one morning and picked it out of a baby book. It was the only name all three of us liked (personally, I wanted Emma or Hannah). Her middle name is Kathe, after a woman I worked for. I had a tremendous admiration for her. She passed on in 1991, and I still miss her.
3. What is your favorite type of weather? Spring and fall in Texas; the light in the fall is simply amazing. It makes long shadows that stretch across the yard, and the color is amazing. Spring is pretty much a favorite for the same reason, the light. I like watching all the new life spring forth in flowers, trees, animals....it's what I live for. Summer is usually too hot and winter too cold, although I love it when it snows!!
4. If left to your own devices, what time would you wake up every day? Used to be around noon, but lately, I wake up at 5:30 no matter what's on the agenda for the day.
5. Have you bought your cemetery plots yet? No, I want to be cremated, but we bought Max's plot when we got Aaron's.
So, there ya go, a new blog post!!!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
For Kadence
I see that face, and my heart grows glad.
She smiles and runs to me,
She has so much love,
No heart could stay empty.
But in the blink of an eye,
She will be grown.
I may not even be there
Only the man upstairs knows.
Look already, how far the world’s turned.
All the time we’ve used,
The years we’ve burned.
My sight grows less, while hers grows strong.
I slow her down, but she drags me along.
My limbs will weaken, my hearing fail,
But, God be willing, I will hold her hand,
Receive her hugs, throw her big smacks
Wherever she goes.
Her world already turns faster than mine.
My world is gone, no one will remember
Red rover, come over,
No white shoes after September.
Stationary phones, three channels on TV,
Computers that filled rooms,
Pet rocks, hula hoops, Pong, and Atari.
I will always ache as
She walks through the fires,
Over stones, through puddles,
Facing off this world's liars.
But it's all hers now,
Open to conquer.
And all I can do is
Continue to love her.
As she steps towards a future I won’t even know
It makes my heart ache,
Because I, too, want to go!
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Bucket List
I couldn't resist this one; feel free to pass it one to anyone.
Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not, then offer it to your friends (including me).
Add an item or two if you like...
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, do the list and then click publish.) I don't do the tagging thing, but I hope you'll play anyway!
Things you have done during your lifetime:
() Been to Las Vegas
(x) Loved someone so much it hurt
(x) Danced in the rain with your clothes on
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
(x) Watched someone die
(x) Helped someone live
() Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Stonehenge at Midwinter
(x) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been on a helicopter
(x) Been white water rafting
(x) Been lost
( ) Gone to France
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Played with your grandchild
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
(x) Been to the Grand Canyon
(x) Spent a day looking at flowers
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
() Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice-skating
( ) Watched the sunset in Key West
(x ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Been snorkeling/diving in the ocean.
(x) Been to the zoo by yourself
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
() Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
() Seen the Statue of Liberty in person
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(x) Traveled by train
(x) Traveled by motorcycle
() Been horse back riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco Cable Car
(x) Been to Disneyland
() Been to Disneyworld
() Been in a rain forest
(x) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
(x ) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game
() Been to a National Football League game
() Been to a National Hockey League game
(x) Gone ghost hunting
(x) Told those you love how you feel
Enjoy!
Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not, then offer it to your friends (including me).
Add an item or two if you like...
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, do the list and then click publish.) I don't do the tagging thing, but I hope you'll play anyway!
Things you have done during your lifetime:
() Been to Las Vegas
(x) Loved someone so much it hurt
(x) Danced in the rain with your clothes on
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
(x) Watched someone die
(x) Helped someone live
() Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Stonehenge at Midwinter
(x) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been on a helicopter
(x) Been white water rafting
(x) Been lost
( ) Gone to France
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Played with your grandchild
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
(x) Been to the Grand Canyon
(x) Spent a day looking at flowers
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
() Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice-skating
( ) Watched the sunset in Key West
(x ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Been snorkeling/diving in the ocean.
(x) Been to the zoo by yourself
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
() Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
() Seen the Statue of Liberty in person
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(x) Traveled by train
(x) Traveled by motorcycle
() Been horse back riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco Cable Car
(x) Been to Disneyland
() Been to Disneyworld
() Been in a rain forest
(x) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
(x ) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game
() Been to a National Football League game
() Been to a National Hockey League game
(x) Gone ghost hunting
(x) Told those you love how you feel
Enjoy!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Marriage
My friend, Gail, posted a poem today that reminded me of this one. I wrote this one several years ago and it is dedicated to my Max.
Marriage
What
Can be……
This thing that was two
Is one for so long it has forgotten
When it was two,
To be apart
In separation.
Fibers twisted firmly through and through
And around and around
And over and under
And between.
Glued with luscious melding of flesh
And immeasurable depth of kindness
And tolerance defined in trust.
And somewhere deep within the
Jungle of its – their – a – being
Some semblance of a conscious
Never fading always demanding
Integration of soul
Sometimes makes the two wonder
How the one was born
Makes the two remember
The bitter loneliness of one
Makes the two thankful
For what the one begat
Makes the two cognizant
Aware
grateful
for this living definition
Of love.
love to all those who love me,
allison
Marriage
What
Can be……
This thing that was two
Is one for so long it has forgotten
When it was two,
To be apart
In separation.
Fibers twisted firmly through and through
And around and around
And over and under
And between.
Glued with luscious melding of flesh
And immeasurable depth of kindness
And tolerance defined in trust.
And somewhere deep within the
Jungle of its – their – a – being
Some semblance of a conscious
Never fading always demanding
Integration of soul
Sometimes makes the two wonder
How the one was born
Makes the two remember
The bitter loneliness of one
Makes the two thankful
For what the one begat
Makes the two cognizant
Aware
grateful
for this living definition
Of love.
love to all those who love me,
allison
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Life is a Surprise
When my son Travis was born in 1984, I was overwhelmed with the feelings of love that rushed over me the first time I saw his face. I recorded his every action, sound, and expression the first year of his life in my journals and his babybook. In 1987, when I became pregnant with my second child, Aaron, I worried constantly. How on earth was I going to love another child as much as I loved Travis? It wasn’t fair to Aaron to be the 2nd child; how could we ever love him as much as we did Travis?
But you know what? We did! We loved Aaron with every fiber of our beings, just as strongly as we loved Travis. Aaron’s personality was the mirror image of Travis', but that had nothing to do with how much we loved him. He was our son, and our hearts and minds just expanded to include him in our love. When Jennifer was born in 1992, it happened again. I don’t know how it’s possible, but somehow the good Lord expands the space in your heart and you are able to love as many children as you have.
Time went on, and Travis grew up. Aaron died in 1990 and we all walked through a door and became new people. Jen is growing up faster than I can believe; she has a form of autism that causes her some problems, but she is a senior is high school this year, and scheduled to graduate in May.
We are stronger people because of Aaron’s death. It changed Max and I in ways we never expected or wanted, but got anyway and had to deal with. Family became a priority with us. Spending time with the kids took priority over everything. As we grow up, our parents and siblings are our history; our children are our future. Every step our kids take, Travis’ graduation and marriage to Sandra in 2005, Jen’s 18th birthday, there is always a hole there where Aaron should have been. I always think, Travis 27, Aaron 23, Jen 19; that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
When Travis’ daughter, Kadence was born in 2009, Travis named her Kadence Erin after his brother, and it wasn’t until that point I realized that he missed his brother as much as we did. The same empty space in our future also appears in his. It breaks my heart to know how much he has missed. I have a little brother I miss constantly because he lives in another city. Travis doesn't even get the privilege of texting his little brother, or seeing his pics on Facebook; he knows his little brother only as an angel he will meet again in the afterlife. It's heartrending, because he has missed out on so much. Siblings can drive you nuts, but they are also the people you run to when you're hurting, because they are the ones who really know who you are.
I’ve known Sandra, Travis’ wife, since she was 16 years old, and when she married Travis, we just included her in our lives as much as Travis. She’s always been one of our "kids," as were all the kids Travis hung around with as a teen. She is a more private person than I am, but I love her with all my heart. Kadence’s birth brought yet another surprise to us. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I love that child as much as my own. I should have had a clue, I suppose. After all, Travis' full name is Travis Dewey---he is named after mine and Max's grandfathers, who had a tremendous influence on us as kids. But I never really knew, till Kadence's birth, just how strong a grandparents' love could be.
So, my heart has now expanded to include not only my own children whom I carried inside me, but also Sandra and Kadence. The best thing about Kadence is that I can spoil her and love her unconditionally, just as I do my own kids. But it’s not my job that Kadence turn into a responsible adult. I don’t have to make her clean up her messes, stop abusing her auntie Jen, or eat a healthy meal three times a day. All I am required to do with Kadence is love her. I’m her Gammy, that’s my job. The kids lived with us for little over a year, and we got to see Kadence every day. It was the greatest gift any grandparent could ever ask for. I understand now the heartbreak Max’s mom went through living in New York without being able to see her Texas grandkids except in pictures.
Whenever we see them now, Kadence runs up to us and hugs our legs and reaches up for us to pick her up. She loves us and has unlimited faith and trust in us. This feeling of being unconditionally and strongly loved is so humbling it makes me cry.
Then, on 1-13-11, Sandra and Travis welcomed Aidan Seth to their family. Now, they are a family, with a boy and a girl, and a tough road ahead with two in diapers, but oh.....so lucky! They have each other and these two beautiful children, and a life ahead of them full of promise. It’s gonna be hard work, but so worth it!
And for me, the most amazing thing has happened yet again. I love the way life is continually surprising me. When I saw Aidan’s face through the nursery window, my heart just exploded with love for him! I saw those blue eyes looking at me and I just melted. How can this be possible? How can it be that every time the Lord brings a new being into your life, you can love it as strongly as the other family you already have? Way back in 1982, when Max and I got married, I was 23, and I kind of looked forward to us having a family, but not seriously. I mean, jeez, I was 23, who’s serious when they’re 23?
I never, not within a 1000 years, could have imagined the paths we would walk, and the love we would come to receive. The love Max and I shared became exponentially greater because we had children, lost a child, and now have grandchildren. We went from being individuals, Max and Allison, to Mom and Dad, to Grandpa and Gammy. We have lived a lifetime together and are a history. Max and I have our difficulties. Marriage is not an easy path, it’s learning to accept another person’s frailties and ignore them so they don’t drive you crazy. But this love, this incredible, fulfilling, heart-rending love, has blossomed into something grand and wonderful and unexpected.
I just have to say, thank you Lord, for all the surprises—the good ones and the horrific ones. Were it not for the surprises, life would have been boring and safe, and I might never have realized how amazing and wonderful and precious life really is.
Love to all those who love me,
allison
But you know what? We did! We loved Aaron with every fiber of our beings, just as strongly as we loved Travis. Aaron’s personality was the mirror image of Travis', but that had nothing to do with how much we loved him. He was our son, and our hearts and minds just expanded to include him in our love. When Jennifer was born in 1992, it happened again. I don’t know how it’s possible, but somehow the good Lord expands the space in your heart and you are able to love as many children as you have.
Time went on, and Travis grew up. Aaron died in 1990 and we all walked through a door and became new people. Jen is growing up faster than I can believe; she has a form of autism that causes her some problems, but she is a senior is high school this year, and scheduled to graduate in May.
We are stronger people because of Aaron’s death. It changed Max and I in ways we never expected or wanted, but got anyway and had to deal with. Family became a priority with us. Spending time with the kids took priority over everything. As we grow up, our parents and siblings are our history; our children are our future. Every step our kids take, Travis’ graduation and marriage to Sandra in 2005, Jen’s 18th birthday, there is always a hole there where Aaron should have been. I always think, Travis 27, Aaron 23, Jen 19; that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
When Travis’ daughter, Kadence was born in 2009, Travis named her Kadence Erin after his brother, and it wasn’t until that point I realized that he missed his brother as much as we did. The same empty space in our future also appears in his. It breaks my heart to know how much he has missed. I have a little brother I miss constantly because he lives in another city. Travis doesn't even get the privilege of texting his little brother, or seeing his pics on Facebook; he knows his little brother only as an angel he will meet again in the afterlife. It's heartrending, because he has missed out on so much. Siblings can drive you nuts, but they are also the people you run to when you're hurting, because they are the ones who really know who you are.
I’ve known Sandra, Travis’ wife, since she was 16 years old, and when she married Travis, we just included her in our lives as much as Travis. She’s always been one of our "kids," as were all the kids Travis hung around with as a teen. She is a more private person than I am, but I love her with all my heart. Kadence’s birth brought yet another surprise to us. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I love that child as much as my own. I should have had a clue, I suppose. After all, Travis' full name is Travis Dewey---he is named after mine and Max's grandfathers, who had a tremendous influence on us as kids. But I never really knew, till Kadence's birth, just how strong a grandparents' love could be.
So, my heart has now expanded to include not only my own children whom I carried inside me, but also Sandra and Kadence. The best thing about Kadence is that I can spoil her and love her unconditionally, just as I do my own kids. But it’s not my job that Kadence turn into a responsible adult. I don’t have to make her clean up her messes, stop abusing her auntie Jen, or eat a healthy meal three times a day. All I am required to do with Kadence is love her. I’m her Gammy, that’s my job. The kids lived with us for little over a year, and we got to see Kadence every day. It was the greatest gift any grandparent could ever ask for. I understand now the heartbreak Max’s mom went through living in New York without being able to see her Texas grandkids except in pictures.
Whenever we see them now, Kadence runs up to us and hugs our legs and reaches up for us to pick her up. She loves us and has unlimited faith and trust in us. This feeling of being unconditionally and strongly loved is so humbling it makes me cry.
Then, on 1-13-11, Sandra and Travis welcomed Aidan Seth to their family. Now, they are a family, with a boy and a girl, and a tough road ahead with two in diapers, but oh.....so lucky! They have each other and these two beautiful children, and a life ahead of them full of promise. It’s gonna be hard work, but so worth it!
And for me, the most amazing thing has happened yet again. I love the way life is continually surprising me. When I saw Aidan’s face through the nursery window, my heart just exploded with love for him! I saw those blue eyes looking at me and I just melted. How can this be possible? How can it be that every time the Lord brings a new being into your life, you can love it as strongly as the other family you already have? Way back in 1982, when Max and I got married, I was 23, and I kind of looked forward to us having a family, but not seriously. I mean, jeez, I was 23, who’s serious when they’re 23?
I never, not within a 1000 years, could have imagined the paths we would walk, and the love we would come to receive. The love Max and I shared became exponentially greater because we had children, lost a child, and now have grandchildren. We went from being individuals, Max and Allison, to Mom and Dad, to Grandpa and Gammy. We have lived a lifetime together and are a history. Max and I have our difficulties. Marriage is not an easy path, it’s learning to accept another person’s frailties and ignore them so they don’t drive you crazy. But this love, this incredible, fulfilling, heart-rending love, has blossomed into something grand and wonderful and unexpected.
I just have to say, thank you Lord, for all the surprises—the good ones and the horrific ones. Were it not for the surprises, life would have been boring and safe, and I might never have realized how amazing and wonderful and precious life really is.
Love to all those who love me,
allison
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Wildlife Pictures for Dummies
I take tons of pictures everyday because I am fascinated by all that is beautiful in this world. Having a digital camera, where you can pick and choose your pictures before printing them is a real gift compared to old school, when you never really knew if you got the shot until you developed your film. Wildlife and nature are my favorite subjects, but you can use these tips for any photography. I think anybody can take great pictures. It just takes a little time, knowledge, and patience to get that WOW shot!
1. Do your research! You are not going to get a good pic if you don’t know where animals breed, feed, and water. Different breeds feed differently, and that means that you will have a different subject everywhere you travel. Bodies of water are the best locales for almost any nature shot. At some point during each day, animals have to drink to survive. Do your research on line, network with other folks who are nature watchers to see if they know interesting places. Best of all, talk with the locals. People are always happy to show off their hometowns, and you will get a lot more direct information with this source. First time I visited Lake Fork near Quitman, I talked to the guys in the bait shops about the best places to watch the bald eagles that were wintering there. It was local people who directed us to a little cove where the eagles were nesting. We got to see adults, their nests, immature eagles, and even watch an immature learn to fish. Be nice, talk to the locals, and you will have great success in finding a good shot.
2. Once you’ve found your spot, be respectful. Remember these are wild animals, you are visiting their home. Treat them as respectfully as you would any guest in your own home Do not disturb breeding animals. It’s not only damaging to the environment, but could be dangerous for you. Mother animals, no matter the breed, are always protective of their young. Find a quiet spot, at a good but not too far distance. If necessary, use binoculars to locate the animals, and move in very slowly, a little closer each visit. It might take 2-3 visits, or it could 20 visits to be accepted by the wildlife. But, once you become a regular visitor, you’ll find that after your initial arrival, if you sit still and are quiet, the animals will come back out and continue their business of living. This opens up the opportunity for you to get some great shots.
3. Use the settings on your digital camera! The new cameras available today, even the simplest point and shoots, have nice zooms and the capability of getting great continuous action shots. If you’re using a long zoom, stabilize the camera before you shoot. Use a rock, a tree, your car, or sit down and use your knee. The longer the zoom, the more the possibility arises that your picture is going to end up blurry if you don’t stabilize the camera. If you want to go to the expense, you can set up a tripod, but I’ve found it’s much easier to use what’s around you. The less you have to carry, the better. For action shots, use the sports/athletics setting on your camera. This will enable you to take a continuous sequence of shots as an animal is moving. You can pick and choose later which shots you want to keep.
4. Pay attention to light! We all have those pictures of humans where the sun is bright behind the group in the picture, and people’s faces disappear. The same principle applies when shooting wildlife. Take a picture of a bird with the sun behind it and all you’re going to get is a silhouette. Always position yourself with the sun behind you. The light behind you will highlight colors and details of the animal. A lot of digital cameras have a lightness setting where you can make your picture look darker and the colors richer. Don’t use it!! Try to keep that setting on zero as much as possible. A lighter exposure will always make a better print. I don’t know the reasoning behind it, but with digitals, it seems that the prints are always darker than what we see on the view screen. Use only natural light when shooting wildlife; a flash will startle animals, and all you’ll get in your picture glowing eyes and a silhouette.
5. Use the golden mean of composition! Don’t center all your shots. Every picture (or any artwork) has what is termed "negative" and "positive" space. Positive space is filled with the focus of your picture. Negative space is the background and foreground around it.
Here’s an example for comparison:
On the left, the egret is positive space, and the water around it negative space.
On the right, the foliage is negtative space and the egret positive space.
The shot on the right is not a bad picture, but even though the light is better, this picture is not as interesting as the first picture because the egret is dead center. It is not intriguing to the human brain to see a picture centered this way. Use the negative space in your pictures to lead your viewer’s eye to your focal point.
6. Don’t get stuck in horizontal hold!! Turning the camera lengthwise gives a longer, taller look to tall animals, trees, and people. Most digitals hold the picture sideways in memory, but you can always rotate the picture once you download it.
7. Mornings and evenings are the best times to capture wildlife pictures. In the morning, nocturnal animals are often still around finishing off their nights, and morning animals are waking up thirsty and hungry. In the evening, the situation is reversed. Either time will show you a good mix of both nocturnal and daylight creatures. Some animals will visit a location weekly, some daily, some only occasionally. Be patient, visit the same place frequently, and you will be amazed at the variety you see.
8. Pay attention to weather forecasts! Nobody wants to birdwatch in the rain, but if you hear news that a line of thunderstorms or a cold front is moving in, try to get to your spot the day before. Animals seem to have a sixth sense about weather and are always more active the day before a significant change in weather. You may see more animals of the same variety, or brand new visitors who sense the weather coming and stopped by for a quick snack or drink.
9. Use the zoom on your camera, but carry binoculars with you to scout out wildlife before you move closer. If you don’t have binoculars, you can use the zoom on your camera to get a feel for a good position. Finding wildlife from a distance and approaching slowly will help you be more successful and less intrusive to their world.
10. Pay attention to color! Each primary color (red, blue, yellow) has a complementary color on a color wheel. Complementary colors make each other stand out brighter, giving your pictures more vibrant dynamics. Basic complementaries are red/green, blue/orange, and yellow/purple. Putting these colors next to each other in a picture causes the rods and cones in our eyes to vibrate more strongly, creating pictures with stronger impact.
Most important, have a good time! You’re there to appreciate the beauty of the world around you. Pay attention to where you walk, to the plants that grow close to the ground, to the colors of the trees around you, to the sounds the animals make, to the bugs flying around you, to the lap of water against the bank. God put this beauty on this our planet for us to appreciate; enjoying it fulfills His plan!
I hope these tips help you out with all your photography. Paying attention to light, knowing the principles of negative/positive space, composition using the gold mean, and remembering your complementary colors will help you with any picture you take. Now, go out there and have some fun!
Love to all I love who love me back,
allison
Thursday, January 6, 2011
What a Beautiful Day....
Sometimes, the smallest things just make you sigh with beauty....
Today, I went outside at work for a smoke break. It's absolutely beautiful weather here in Texas this week, highs in the 60's, not a cloud in the sky, sunshine showers everywhere, and the sky is this incredible turquoise blue---the color of boat wake when you're out in the middle of the ocean.
I finished my smoke and was walking back in, when I saw an oak leaf twirling high up in the sky, far above the tops of the trees across the street. Slowly spinning, it made its way across the sky, spinning its little heart out for my entertainment. Occasionally, it floated, skipping down the sky on invisible stairsteps. Then, it would twirl again, vertically, gently making its way down from above. It was so hypnotic, I stood on the sidewalk transfixed, wondering if it would ever touch down. For probably more than a minute, I watched as it made its slow, gliding, and twirling descent to a final and distinct click! on the side walk in front of our building.
I looked at it for a moment, then just looked back up at the heavens and said thank you.
love to all those i love who love me back,
allison
Today, I went outside at work for a smoke break. It's absolutely beautiful weather here in Texas this week, highs in the 60's, not a cloud in the sky, sunshine showers everywhere, and the sky is this incredible turquoise blue---the color of boat wake when you're out in the middle of the ocean.
I finished my smoke and was walking back in, when I saw an oak leaf twirling high up in the sky, far above the tops of the trees across the street. Slowly spinning, it made its way across the sky, spinning its little heart out for my entertainment. Occasionally, it floated, skipping down the sky on invisible stairsteps. Then, it would twirl again, vertically, gently making its way down from above. It was so hypnotic, I stood on the sidewalk transfixed, wondering if it would ever touch down. For probably more than a minute, I watched as it made its slow, gliding, and twirling descent to a final and distinct click! on the side walk in front of our building.
I looked at it for a moment, then just looked back up at the heavens and said thank you.
love to all those i love who love me back,
allison
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Do you like the new look?
Jen asked me tonight how to start her own blog; be sure to hunt her up and check it out! I am curious to see what her intense mind comes up with. I never know what she's thinking
Max comes home tomorrow and will be home till a week from Saturday. TI is on their bi-annual shutdown this weekend, so a vacation we can't afford at a time we don't want! woohoo!
I have liquid actually leaking from my nose. I'm not gonna call it snot, cause I've already grossed out one FB friend being direct, but it is totally gross and why???? I live with consistently clogged sinuses and this is a whole new experience for me. I feel like I should shove a cotton ball up there, but I'm thinking that's not smart, eh? Any suggestions? I only know how to UNclog a nose, haven't a clue how to stop one up--lol, mine does it all by itself.
Ducky was still gone from the pond today, so I have to assume he has found a new home. I hope he comes back to visit sometimes. For those who don't know me, the VFW pond here in Lufkin is my favorite retreat. I moved to Lufkin in 1996 and am still finding my way around (didn't drive till 2005). I found the pond when Jen was in her freshman year at high school. We pass by it every day on the way. I got in the habit of stopping by there after I dropped her off to eat my Mickey D's breakfast. One morning, I was eating my sausage biscuit and saw this bird acting really strangely. It came up out of the water with its wings folded over its head and then sank back down into the water. I watched the spot where it disappeared and son of a gun if a freaking alligator didn't come straight up out of the water with the bird in its mouth, then submerge back into the pond. I just sat there with my mouth open. I mean, seriously, who expects to see Animal Planet in real life before they even get to work?
From that day on, I was hooked on this little body of water. It's not a very big place. I'm not a good judge of acreage, but I'm thinking maybe 2 acres? But I am freaking amazed at the wildlife I get to see there, especially the birds. There is something different every day. Today I saw a large red-shouldered hawk, two kingfishers, about 8 grebes, 6-8 coots, 2 lesser schaups, 4 shoveler ducks, Elvis, about 10 nutria, great blue heron, great egret, 2 double breasted cormorants, goldfinches...I could go on forever. Unless you're a birdwatcher, you probably have no clue what I'm talking about, but this is a real gold mine in the middle of a small city surrounded by homes and businesses and a not-so-pretty part of town, as well as the beautiful new VFW building which is set behind the pond.
On 12-23-09, the most powerful tornado of 2009 went through Lufkin and destroyed the old VFW building, and filled the pond with debris. There have been a number of anonymous volunteers, including a club from the high school, who have now cleared the pond of just about all the debris except for a few bits which the birds have incorporated into their lives. I love taking pics there. Yesterday it was warm and I got quite a few pics, but today was cloudy and overcast. Not great light, but I got a few pics the great egret hunting and a cormorant diving right beside him. Not a great photo day, but a good one.
I feel blessed to have found this little spot in the middle of my busy life. I work about 30 hours a week, try to be an artist as often as I can, socialize too much on Facebook, try to keep up with my busy family, deal with my daughter's idiosyncracies on a daily basis (that's a story for another day), make a reasonable attempt to keep up with the house, smoke too much, play too much, and just generally enjoy life at a rapid pace. So, every day, either after I drop off Jen or on my lunch break, I try to get to the pond. It's worth it.
Everybody should look for that quiet spot in their day; it's the only thing that's gonna help you maintain sanity and balance. You can't do anything successfully in life unless you take care of your own mental health first. Mine is maintained by visiting this tiny body of water where it's quiet and all you hear are cars passing by, birds tweeting, and fish splashing. Hope you get to hear a fish splash tomorrow!
Love to all those who love me,
allison
Peace....
Max comes home tomorrow and will be home till a week from Saturday. TI is on their bi-annual shutdown this weekend, so a vacation we can't afford at a time we don't want! woohoo!
I have liquid actually leaking from my nose. I'm not gonna call it snot, cause I've already grossed out one FB friend being direct, but it is totally gross and why???? I live with consistently clogged sinuses and this is a whole new experience for me. I feel like I should shove a cotton ball up there, but I'm thinking that's not smart, eh? Any suggestions? I only know how to UNclog a nose, haven't a clue how to stop one up--lol, mine does it all by itself.
Ducky was still gone from the pond today, so I have to assume he has found a new home. I hope he comes back to visit sometimes. For those who don't know me, the VFW pond here in Lufkin is my favorite retreat. I moved to Lufkin in 1996 and am still finding my way around (didn't drive till 2005). I found the pond when Jen was in her freshman year at high school. We pass by it every day on the way. I got in the habit of stopping by there after I dropped her off to eat my Mickey D's breakfast. One morning, I was eating my sausage biscuit and saw this bird acting really strangely. It came up out of the water with its wings folded over its head and then sank back down into the water. I watched the spot where it disappeared and son of a gun if a freaking alligator didn't come straight up out of the water with the bird in its mouth, then submerge back into the pond. I just sat there with my mouth open. I mean, seriously, who expects to see Animal Planet in real life before they even get to work?
From that day on, I was hooked on this little body of water. It's not a very big place. I'm not a good judge of acreage, but I'm thinking maybe 2 acres? But I am freaking amazed at the wildlife I get to see there, especially the birds. There is something different every day. Today I saw a large red-shouldered hawk, two kingfishers, about 8 grebes, 6-8 coots, 2 lesser schaups, 4 shoveler ducks, Elvis, about 10 nutria, great blue heron, great egret, 2 double breasted cormorants, goldfinches...I could go on forever. Unless you're a birdwatcher, you probably have no clue what I'm talking about, but this is a real gold mine in the middle of a small city surrounded by homes and businesses and a not-so-pretty part of town, as well as the beautiful new VFW building which is set behind the pond.
On 12-23-09, the most powerful tornado of 2009 went through Lufkin and destroyed the old VFW building, and filled the pond with debris. There have been a number of anonymous volunteers, including a club from the high school, who have now cleared the pond of just about all the debris except for a few bits which the birds have incorporated into their lives. I love taking pics there. Yesterday it was warm and I got quite a few pics, but today was cloudy and overcast. Not great light, but I got a few pics the great egret hunting and a cormorant diving right beside him. Not a great photo day, but a good one.
I feel blessed to have found this little spot in the middle of my busy life. I work about 30 hours a week, try to be an artist as often as I can, socialize too much on Facebook, try to keep up with my busy family, deal with my daughter's idiosyncracies on a daily basis (that's a story for another day), make a reasonable attempt to keep up with the house, smoke too much, play too much, and just generally enjoy life at a rapid pace. So, every day, either after I drop off Jen or on my lunch break, I try to get to the pond. It's worth it.
Everybody should look for that quiet spot in their day; it's the only thing that's gonna help you maintain sanity and balance. You can't do anything successfully in life unless you take care of your own mental health first. Mine is maintained by visiting this tiny body of water where it's quiet and all you hear are cars passing by, birds tweeting, and fish splashing. Hope you get to hear a fish splash tomorrow!
Love to all those who love me,
allison
Peace....
Monday, January 3, 2011
What can I say? It's Monday...
Ah, what a morning! Jen and I both spent the the night with some intestinal distress that kept us in the two smallest rooms of the house all night. I let her stay home from school, and I went in to work late when I finally found a cork. Yeah, it's gross, so what, it's life.
My resolution this year was to devote more time to my creativity. Since I went back to work almost full-time (30 hours a week), I feel like my time for my art has diminished, and I have a deadline of 2/23 to enter SFA's Texas National Show and see if I can get accepted. For months, I have been collecting smokeless tobacco containers. I'm fascinated by the aspect of all those rounds. My boss is a chewer and although I think the habit is worse than my smoking, it irks me more that those damn containers aren't recyclable. One of the things I've always been intrigued with is the fact that if you use the same shape 100 times in a piece of art, it becomes something larger, different, and gorgeous! I don't know why it happens, but it does.
For example, if you see one amaryllis lily, it's beautiful, right? But if you see an entire yard covered with them, surrounding every tree, in front of every wall of the house, it takes your breath away. I think I can do the same thing with smokeless tobacco containers. We'll see....I like to work out a piece on paper before doing the actual 3D installation, and it is still cooking in my mind. I know they will be painted, color to be decided later, so yesterday got them all washed and cleaned, peeled off labels, and tonight started gesso-ing them to accept whatever color I decide on later. If you're not an artist, gesso is the white paintlike substance they put on canvas fabric to make a canvas paintable and it will accept whatever color you use as new. I could use the black of the containers as the base, but it won't give me as true a final color as gesso-ing first. Gesso is like putting a base coat of Kilz on a wall; it covers everything.
And if you don't know what Kilz is, well, I just give up. Google it.
On a personal note, for the followers of Elvis and Ducky, the two ducks I feed every day at our local pond, I went by after work today because I had not been out all weekend (because of the smallest room in the house thing). My friend's daughter came with me cause I had just picked her up from school and Elvis put on a great flying show. For the uninformed, Elvis is about a 20 lb. muscovy duck who has about a 6 foot wingspan. He put on quite a show for my young friend flapping his big loud wings and flying in to just in front of us for his bread. He came up and let me hand feed him, as always, but I'm careful with my fingers!
Ducky did not show tonight, and this is the first time since he showed up last July that Ducky has not been at Elvis' side when I came by the pond. I'm a little worried; Ducky is a hybrid mallard with deformed wings and I'm not sure he can fly. I'll swing by in the morning after I drop off Jen and see if he's around. Maybe he CAN fly and is sleeping in a different spot. Who knows? Hopefully he'll turn back up in the morning; he's a funny little guy and I have an odd affection for Ducky. FYI, here's the two of them:
You see how Elvis got his name.
My resolution this year was to devote more time to my creativity. Since I went back to work almost full-time (30 hours a week), I feel like my time for my art has diminished, and I have a deadline of 2/23 to enter SFA's Texas National Show and see if I can get accepted. For months, I have been collecting smokeless tobacco containers. I'm fascinated by the aspect of all those rounds. My boss is a chewer and although I think the habit is worse than my smoking, it irks me more that those damn containers aren't recyclable. One of the things I've always been intrigued with is the fact that if you use the same shape 100 times in a piece of art, it becomes something larger, different, and gorgeous! I don't know why it happens, but it does.
For example, if you see one amaryllis lily, it's beautiful, right? But if you see an entire yard covered with them, surrounding every tree, in front of every wall of the house, it takes your breath away. I think I can do the same thing with smokeless tobacco containers. We'll see....I like to work out a piece on paper before doing the actual 3D installation, and it is still cooking in my mind. I know they will be painted, color to be decided later, so yesterday got them all washed and cleaned, peeled off labels, and tonight started gesso-ing them to accept whatever color I decide on later. If you're not an artist, gesso is the white paintlike substance they put on canvas fabric to make a canvas paintable and it will accept whatever color you use as new. I could use the black of the containers as the base, but it won't give me as true a final color as gesso-ing first. Gesso is like putting a base coat of Kilz on a wall; it covers everything.
And if you don't know what Kilz is, well, I just give up. Google it.
On a personal note, for the followers of Elvis and Ducky, the two ducks I feed every day at our local pond, I went by after work today because I had not been out all weekend (because of the smallest room in the house thing). My friend's daughter came with me cause I had just picked her up from school and Elvis put on a great flying show. For the uninformed, Elvis is about a 20 lb. muscovy duck who has about a 6 foot wingspan. He put on quite a show for my young friend flapping his big loud wings and flying in to just in front of us for his bread. He came up and let me hand feed him, as always, but I'm careful with my fingers!
Ducky did not show tonight, and this is the first time since he showed up last July that Ducky has not been at Elvis' side when I came by the pond. I'm a little worried; Ducky is a hybrid mallard with deformed wings and I'm not sure he can fly. I'll swing by in the morning after I drop off Jen and see if he's around. Maybe he CAN fly and is sleeping in a different spot. Who knows? Hopefully he'll turn back up in the morning; he's a funny little guy and I have an odd affection for Ducky. FYI, here's the two of them:
You see how Elvis got his name.That's our Ducky! I love his curly tail!
On a sad note, we didn't get to see Travis and Kadence today. Travis was gonna come over yesterday and do laundry, but he didn't feel good. So we haven't seen Kadence since NYE, and we are both missing her awful. Still, it's better if he waits till later in the week to come over. That way, Max gets to see the baby too. Sandra is due on 1/17; Kadence was six days early, so basically we're expecting the new arrival almost any day. Kadence will stay with us while Sandra's in the hospital, and I'm hoping a couple of days when the new baby goes home so they can get a bit of a break. Kadence is a busy BUSY kid right now! 18 months old and into everything, and nosy and curious and smart and funny We luffs her!!!
Damn, was eating cookies while I was writing and got crumbs in my bed!
Love to all those I love who love me back,
allison
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Another Day in the Life of a Domestic Goddess
Two loads of laundry, two dishwasher loads, empty the fridge (thus the two dishwasher loads), empty the trash of the nasty crap from the fridge, sweep the bedroom floor of the extra dog that has been shed there, bake a cake, make a pot of soup from the New Year's Eve leftovers, wash out about a thousand smokeless tobacco containers for a new project, play on Facebook, edit some pics, play some solitaire, wake up Jen, wake up Jen, wake up Jen AGAIN so she won't miss her friend's date, bug her to take the trash out before she leaves, listen to her bitch about the bag she put in there falling in...........
Just another day in the life!
I was thinking, it has been such an incredible relief this past week not to have my teeth hurt! Clearly the infection was not doing me any favors, I have twice as much energy. I'm not happy about getting them out, certainly nothing I'm proud of. But Jeez, I brushed my teeth 4x a day for years and they STILL had to be redone so many times I'm just tired of dealing with it all. My only real regret is that I can't afford implants; they are about $3K a tooth. :-(
Looking forward to blogging again; I love doing allison's affirmations on FB, but I always think they are too long and have more to say. My mind never really turns off; it is a fascination.
love to all i love who love me back,
allison
Just another day in the life!
I was thinking, it has been such an incredible relief this past week not to have my teeth hurt! Clearly the infection was not doing me any favors, I have twice as much energy. I'm not happy about getting them out, certainly nothing I'm proud of. But Jeez, I brushed my teeth 4x a day for years and they STILL had to be redone so many times I'm just tired of dealing with it all. My only real regret is that I can't afford implants; they are about $3K a tooth. :-(
Looking forward to blogging again; I love doing allison's affirmations on FB, but I always think they are too long and have more to say. My mind never really turns off; it is a fascination.
love to all i love who love me back,
allison
A Challenge!
OK, Jess, I love the idea of journaling as much as you!! I challenge you to post each day you see a post of my blog!!
As for the rest of you poor suffering souls, hopefully I can transfer a lot of the kinetic energy my brain offers and nimble fingers quickly post to facebook to here so that I don't dominate a day's posts.
Happy new year to all!
As for the rest of you poor suffering souls, hopefully I can transfer a lot of the kinetic energy my brain offers and nimble fingers quickly post to facebook to here so that I don't dominate a day's posts.
Happy new year to all!
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