Life is a Surprise

When my son Travis was born in 1984, I was overwhelmed with the feelings of love that rushed over me the first time I saw his face. I recorded his every action, sound, and expression the first year of his life in my journals and his babybook. In 1987, when I became pregnant with my second child, Aaron, I worried constantly. How on earth was I going to love another child as much as I loved Travis? It wasn’t fair to Aaron to be the 2^nd child; how could we ever love him as much as we did Travis?

But you know what? We did! We loved Aaron with every fiber of our beings, just as strongly as we loved Travis. Aaron’s personality was the mirror image of Travis', but that had nothing to do with how much we loved him. He was our son, and our hearts and minds just expanded to include him in our love. When Jennifer was born in 1992, it happened again. I don’t know how it’s possible, but somehow the good Lord expands the space in your heart and you are able to love as many children as you have.

Time went on, and Travis grew up. Aaron died in 1990 and we all walked through a door and became new people. Jen is growing up faster than I can believe; she has a form of autism that causes her some problems, but she is a senior is high school this year, and scheduled to graduate in May.

We are stronger people because of Aaron’s death. It changed Max and I in ways we never expected or wanted, but got anyway and had to deal with. Family became a priority with us. Spending time with the kids took priority over everything. As we grow up, our parents and siblings are our history; our children are our future. Every step our kids take, Travis’ graduation and marriage to Sandra in 2005, Jen’s 18^th birthday, there is always a hole there where Aaron should have been. I always think, Travis 27, Aaron 23, Jen 19; that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

When Travis’ daughter, Kadence was born in 2009, Travis named her Kadence Erin after his brother, and it wasn’t until that point I realized that he missed his brother as much as we did. The same empty space in our future also appears in his.  It breaks my heart to know how much he has missed.  I have a little brother I miss constantly because he lives in another city.  Travis doesn't even get the privilege of texting his little brother, or seeing his pics on Facebook; he knows his little brother only as an angel he will meet again in the afterlife.  It's heartrending, because he has missed out on so much.  Siblings can drive you nuts, but they are also the people you run to when you're hurting, because they are the ones who really know who you are.

I’ve known Sandra, Travis’ wife, since she was 16 years old, and when she married Travis, we just included her in our lives as much as Travis. She’s always been one of our "kids," as were all the kids Travis hung around with as a teen. She is a more private person than I am, but I love her with all my heart.  Kadence’s birth brought yet another surprise to us. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I love that child as much as my own. I should have had a clue, I suppose.  After all, Travis' full name is Travis Dewey---he is named after mine and Max's grandfathers, who had a tremendous influence on us as kids.  But I never really knew, till Kadence's birth, just how strong a grandparents' love could be.

So, my heart has now expanded to include not only my own children whom I carried inside me, but also Sandra and Kadence. The best thing about Kadence is that I can spoil her and love her unconditionally, just as I do my own kids. But it’s not my job that Kadence turn into a responsible adult. I don’t have to make her clean up her messes, stop abusing her auntie Jen, or eat a healthy meal three times a day. All I am required to do with Kadence is love her. I’m her Gammy, that’s my job. The kids lived with us for little over a year, and we got to see Kadence every day. It was the greatest gift any grandparent could ever ask for. I understand now the heartbreak Max’s mom went through living in New York without being able to see her Texas grandkids except in pictures.

Whenever we see them now, Kadence runs up to us and hugs our legs and reaches up for us to pick her up. She loves us and has unlimited faith and trust in us. This feeling of being unconditionally and strongly loved is so humbling it makes me cry.

Then, on 1-13-11, Sandra and Travis welcomed Aidan Seth to their family. Now, they are a family, with a boy and a girl, and a tough road ahead with two in diapers, but oh.....so lucky! They have each other and these two beautiful children, and a life ahead of them full of promise. It’s gonna be hard work, but so worth it!

And for me, the most amazing thing has happened yet again.  I love the way life is continually surprising me.  When I saw Aidan’s face through the nursery window, my heart just exploded with love for him! I saw those blue eyes looking at me and I just melted. How can this be possible? How can it be that every time the Lord brings a new being into your life, you can love it as strongly as the other family you already have? Way back in 1982, when Max and I got married, I was 23, and I kind of looked forward to us having a family, but not seriously. I mean, jeez, I was 23, who’s serious when they’re 23?

I never, not within a 1000 years, could have imagined the paths we would walk, and the love we would come to receive. The love Max and I shared became exponentially greater because we had children, lost a child, and now have grandchildren. We went from being individuals, Max and Allison, to Mom and Dad, to Grandpa and Gammy. We have lived a lifetime together and are a history. Max and I have our difficulties. Marriage is not an easy path, it’s learning to accept another person’s frailties and ignore them so they don’t drive you crazy. But this love, this incredible, fulfilling, heart-rending love, has blossomed into something grand and wonderful and unexpected.

I just have to say, thank you Lord, for all the surprises—the good ones and the horrific ones. Were it not for the surprises, life would have been boring and safe, and I might never have realized how amazing and wonderful and precious life really is.

Love to all those who love me,
allison