For many years now, Max and I have been aware that some pretty incredible and pretty awful things have happened to our family between the first of May and the last day of June. It’s kind of freaky when you look it all at once:
June, 1984, we moved into our first house and there was a solar eclipse the same day. June 1985, my best friend, Gail, was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I had surgery; we had our surgeries the same day. In June 1986, Gail’s cancer came back in her lungs. In 1988, I gave birth to Aaron the same day Gail was having brain surgery because her cancer spread there. (Gail died just before Christmas of 1989.) June 1989 was Aarons first birthday and the only birthday party he ever got to have. In June of 1990, Aaron died. In June of 1991, I had surgery to remove scar tissue, and my mentor, Kathe, died. She was an incredibly strong and amazing woman; Jen is named after her. May 1992, Jen was born. June 1993, we lost our house. June 1994, we were attacked by a crazy woman who stalked us that whole summer. June 1995, I fell and broke my shoulder. 1996 was the year I had ovarian cancer, and in June, I was back in ICU with a thrombosis in my neck. June 1997, our vegetable garden was vandalized while we were out of town; all of our hard work pulled up and destroyed. June 1998, my last grandfather, Grandpa Russell died. June 2000, Travis was in the hospital with a bowel obstruction. May and June 2002, our house was replumbed and repainted, Travis graduated from high school, I got a black eye from a bungee cord, saw my biological father for the first time in 30 years, and was back in ICU with spinal meningitis. Late May 2003, my friend, Jana died from complications of breast cancer (I miss her every single day). In May of 2004, Jen was in the hospital, the starter on the car died, and I was in the hospital again for complications from scar tissue. June of 2005 was easier, just one car malfunction that year (with 2 weeks in the shop). But May 13, 2006 nearly destroyed us when my Uncle Lee died very unexpectedly. In June of 2007, after months of struggling financially, we filed bankruptcy; it started on the anniversary of Aaron’s death. In 2008, my oldest niece graduated, my best friend’s daughter graduated, we had a bat invasion at our house, I dropped a fan on my foot and broke my toe, and my best friend, Kathy, who I’d known for 20+ years, had a psychotic break and tried to shoot my husband. In June of 2009, my granddaughter, Kadence was born, the central air shorted out, my 2nd oldest nephew graduated, and my sister and I had a moment over something stupid (not a happy moment). June 2010, I was working two jobs, including for the Census. I filed a complaint against them and was fired. May and June of 2011, the van died and was out of commission for two weeks, Jen graduated, Jess visited, my brother visited, Jen won a blue ribbon at the regional art show, we threw Jen’s graduation party, our central air was fixed after two years, and our bankruptcy closed out a year early.
So, Max and I tend to get a little nervous when May and June roll around; it’s just tends to be a drama-filled time for us.
Since Tuesday night, when I found out our bankruptcy was over a year early, I’ve felt like I was living in a dream. Everything’s a little blurry and off-kilter. You know the feeling, how you don’t know what to believe and what is false, what you hope is real and what is really real. The fact that this IS real, not a clerical error, not someone pranking us (which would be unbelievably mean), NOT a dream----well, I’m someone who lives by words, and I’m speechless. I’ve spent the past six weeks worrying sick over my car, cause ya’ll know how it is, no car, no job. And Max’s car that he drives back and forth to Houston in each week has 100K miles on it; I get scared every week when he leaves for Houston in that car. But there was no way whatsoever we could make a car note when $1000 of our income goes to the bankruptcy court right off the bat each month. Jen’s senior year was unbelievably expensive, and we’ve been living hand-to-mouth trying to make ends meet. So, when I find out that we get back that $1000 a month, that we can breathe a little easier and get Max a better car, it’s just overwhelming!
There is no explanation for the good or the bad or when it comes; it’s just what we get in life. Why it goes in cycles like this, I have no idea. It’s not that good and bad things don’t happen to us the rest of the year, it just seems like May and June all the drama is squared and there is some thrill or crisis every single week.
All I can do during times like this is what I always do. I give my heart and my soul to the Lord; I put it all in His very capable hands. He is the guiding hand. He knows what we need, when we need it, when we are weak, and when we are strong. Even during times I didn’t think he knew me well, I still know in my heart that He will always keep us strong during times of trial, and appreciative during times of joy. There’s been a lot of Junes when there was only one set of footprints in the sand because He was carrying us.
So, today’s blog is just a long way of saying, thank you Lord, for our lives and all that the word “life” encompasses! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
My Eyes Won’t Stop Leaking
My sister has four kids, my brother has five, and I had three. My mother always tells people she has 11 grandchildren. I say I “had” three kids and let people hear it as they will. If they notice the past tense, I tell them my youngest son, Aaron, died. Sometimes people ask about the details; sometimes they don’t. I take it as it comes. I just want people to know he existed, ya know? He will always be a part of me, and his death is what made me the way I am now.
A little over a week ago, we celebrated our daughter, Jennifer’s, high school graduation. Jen has Asperger’s Syndrome and Pervasive Developmental Disorder, two high-functioning forms of autism. She is not normally an emotional person and seldom just bursts out into true joy. Her face when she came off that field will always be one of my most precious memories. She was beaming from ear to ear, proud of herself, excited about being the center of attention, and overjoyed with life. I was so happy for her; all I could do was run to meet her and hug her and weep and just not want to ever let go.
After the ceremony, we gathered together and my beloved friend, Jess, took pictures of our family: me and Max, Travis, Jen and Sandra, and our two grandchildren, Kadence and Aidan. I love this picture; I printed out a copy and have taped it by my desk at work. It is the wallpaper on my computer at work and my laptop. I’m not lying, I really DO love this picture. But every time I look at it, I swear, I can see Aaron’s face beaming down on us from heaven. Then, the sadness just overwhelms me. People take family portraits with all their kids. I would give my own life to have a picture of all three of my kids together.
June 11, 2001 is the 21st anniversary of Aaron’s death. He died four days after his 2nd birthday. Today is his birthday; he would be 23 years old now. Every joy in my life is not haunted, but touched by the fact that he is not there to share it with us. Where would he be now? His cousin, who is six months older, is a helicopter pilot. My sister and I used to talk about how would grow up together. His brother is a daddy now, with a gorgeous wife and two beautiful children. Those kids will never know their uncle Aaron. His baby sister has just finished high school and is going on to college. Jen never even got to meet her brother.
I don’t treasure Jen’s accomplishment any less because of Aaron’s absence, but the pain today is acute because we miss him so much at events like this. Travis’ graduation and wedding, the birth of the grandkids, Jen’s graduation—he is always absent. We will always miss him. He will ALWAYS live in our hearts.
There are people out there who think you should stop grieving after 21 years. Maybe with your parents, or a sibling or a friend, their birthday will pass or the anniversary of their death, and you will remember them and be sad they have moved on. These people are your history, we accept that we may lose them to death over time. But with your child? When you lose your child, you lose the future of your family. Your family is forever incomplete. No family portrait, no Christmas, no holiday, no wedding, no graduation, no birth, ever includes your whole family again. So, if you’re one of those people who believe that sort of thing; just believe what you want. I would not wish for my worst enemy to walk these steps and have this pain. Other people’s beliefs are their own, I can’t change them and don't try to. Just don’t berate me for feeling my feelings.
Today, my heart hurts so bad; all my feelings are sad. I can remember the touch of his hair, his smile, even how he smelled. I remember how he always called me “daddy” even after he could say mama. I remember the food fight with his brother when they threw pasta at each other and redecorated the kitchen. I remember how Aaron was afraid of the vacuum cleaner, and how he walked up and punched it one time after Max vacuumed. I remember how he loved his Nonny and carried it everywhere and we lost it once at NASA and ran all over the place in a panic to find it. I remember tucking it under his arm as he lay in his coffin. I remember the first time I cut his hair and he pointed at the hair that fell and said, “boo boo?” and then cried and wouldn’t let me finish. I remember Travis playing ‘piggy’ with Aaron’s toes, and Travis telling me he was gonna throw that new baby away cause it was a pain. I remember Aaron’s song we taught Travis to learn how to spell Aaron’s name. I remember nursing Aaron at the zoo in Houston when my sister and I went there one day. I remember him grabbing my hair spray can every morning as I got ready for work and banging it against the walls cause it made a great noise. I remember waking up the morning he went into the hospital cause he was throwing something at me, and later I found it in the bed. I still have that little green marble in my jewelry box. I remember blowing bubbles for him and Travis, and how they laughed when the dog bit the bubbles. I remember how he used to thump his feet in his crib as he was falling asleep; I heard that thump for months after he was gone. I remember him in my sister’s pool and joking about how we’d have to drain the pool to get him out, cause that’s the only reason he would ever get out of the bathtub. I remember taking him on the swings at T.C. Jester park during his brother’s baseball practice. I remember his beautiful face the day he was born.
And, I remember that first seizure in March of 1990, and the last seizure in June of 1990, and every single fucking day in that horrible hospital, living each minute looking and praying for some sign he would wake up and be Aaron again. I remember the moment I realized he never would and my knees weakening and the world swimming around me and going black and thinking I was going to faint for the first time in my life.
For a long time, our world was black. They say time heals, but it really just teaches you how to better manage the pain. The pain never really goes away, you just learn to bear the weight. I didn’t hide my tears today. I just let my eyes keep leaking. Those tears and my pain are a tribute to the love we have for him. Aaron was my precious son, and my love for him will never go away. My mind will always see that empty spot where he should be. Sometimes, I can see it and smile because he was such a happy little guy and I know he’d be smiling.
But today, that spot is just empty, and my eyes won’t stop leaking.
Mama loves you sweet pea!
A little over a week ago, we celebrated our daughter, Jennifer’s, high school graduation. Jen has Asperger’s Syndrome and Pervasive Developmental Disorder, two high-functioning forms of autism. She is not normally an emotional person and seldom just bursts out into true joy. Her face when she came off that field will always be one of my most precious memories. She was beaming from ear to ear, proud of herself, excited about being the center of attention, and overjoyed with life. I was so happy for her; all I could do was run to meet her and hug her and weep and just not want to ever let go.
After the ceremony, we gathered together and my beloved friend, Jess, took pictures of our family: me and Max, Travis, Jen and Sandra, and our two grandchildren, Kadence and Aidan. I love this picture; I printed out a copy and have taped it by my desk at work. It is the wallpaper on my computer at work and my laptop. I’m not lying, I really DO love this picture. But every time I look at it, I swear, I can see Aaron’s face beaming down on us from heaven. Then, the sadness just overwhelms me. People take family portraits with all their kids. I would give my own life to have a picture of all three of my kids together.
June 11, 2001 is the 21st anniversary of Aaron’s death. He died four days after his 2nd birthday. Today is his birthday; he would be 23 years old now. Every joy in my life is not haunted, but touched by the fact that he is not there to share it with us. Where would he be now? His cousin, who is six months older, is a helicopter pilot. My sister and I used to talk about how would grow up together. His brother is a daddy now, with a gorgeous wife and two beautiful children. Those kids will never know their uncle Aaron. His baby sister has just finished high school and is going on to college. Jen never even got to meet her brother.
I don’t treasure Jen’s accomplishment any less because of Aaron’s absence, but the pain today is acute because we miss him so much at events like this. Travis’ graduation and wedding, the birth of the grandkids, Jen’s graduation—he is always absent. We will always miss him. He will ALWAYS live in our hearts.
There are people out there who think you should stop grieving after 21 years. Maybe with your parents, or a sibling or a friend, their birthday will pass or the anniversary of their death, and you will remember them and be sad they have moved on. These people are your history, we accept that we may lose them to death over time. But with your child? When you lose your child, you lose the future of your family. Your family is forever incomplete. No family portrait, no Christmas, no holiday, no wedding, no graduation, no birth, ever includes your whole family again. So, if you’re one of those people who believe that sort of thing; just believe what you want. I would not wish for my worst enemy to walk these steps and have this pain. Other people’s beliefs are their own, I can’t change them and don't try to. Just don’t berate me for feeling my feelings.
Today, my heart hurts so bad; all my feelings are sad. I can remember the touch of his hair, his smile, even how he smelled. I remember how he always called me “daddy” even after he could say mama. I remember the food fight with his brother when they threw pasta at each other and redecorated the kitchen. I remember how Aaron was afraid of the vacuum cleaner, and how he walked up and punched it one time after Max vacuumed. I remember how he loved his Nonny and carried it everywhere and we lost it once at NASA and ran all over the place in a panic to find it. I remember tucking it under his arm as he lay in his coffin. I remember the first time I cut his hair and he pointed at the hair that fell and said, “boo boo?” and then cried and wouldn’t let me finish. I remember Travis playing ‘piggy’ with Aaron’s toes, and Travis telling me he was gonna throw that new baby away cause it was a pain. I remember Aaron’s song we taught Travis to learn how to spell Aaron’s name. I remember nursing Aaron at the zoo in Houston when my sister and I went there one day. I remember him grabbing my hair spray can every morning as I got ready for work and banging it against the walls cause it made a great noise. I remember waking up the morning he went into the hospital cause he was throwing something at me, and later I found it in the bed. I still have that little green marble in my jewelry box. I remember blowing bubbles for him and Travis, and how they laughed when the dog bit the bubbles. I remember how he used to thump his feet in his crib as he was falling asleep; I heard that thump for months after he was gone. I remember him in my sister’s pool and joking about how we’d have to drain the pool to get him out, cause that’s the only reason he would ever get out of the bathtub. I remember taking him on the swings at T.C. Jester park during his brother’s baseball practice. I remember his beautiful face the day he was born.
And, I remember that first seizure in March of 1990, and the last seizure in June of 1990, and every single fucking day in that horrible hospital, living each minute looking and praying for some sign he would wake up and be Aaron again. I remember the moment I realized he never would and my knees weakening and the world swimming around me and going black and thinking I was going to faint for the first time in my life.
For a long time, our world was black. They say time heals, but it really just teaches you how to better manage the pain. The pain never really goes away, you just learn to bear the weight. I didn’t hide my tears today. I just let my eyes keep leaking. Those tears and my pain are a tribute to the love we have for him. Aaron was my precious son, and my love for him will never go away. My mind will always see that empty spot where he should be. Sometimes, I can see it and smile because he was such a happy little guy and I know he’d be smiling.
But today, that spot is just empty, and my eyes won’t stop leaking.
Mama loves you sweet pea!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Five Question Friday
wow, haven't posted in ages! I pretty much have to be inspired to write a blog. I'm always tied up when I get home, trying to edit whatever pics I took that day, get whatever housework and errands done that need to be done, and trying to get some food into my family that I seldom post unless there's something I really want to say.
But............I liked Five Question Friday :-)) so thanks for the inspiration!
Five Question Friday was brought to you by fivecrookedhalos. Again, you are welcome to do them yourself in the comments or on your own blog! : )
1. Tube socks, calf socks, crew, ankle, none? I like calf socks in the winter, in the wildest colors I can find. Sometimes, if it's REALLY cold, I wear two pairs. (My feet get cold!) in the summer, in Texas? NO socks!!!
2. Was your childs (children’s) name a mutual decision or was it a debate? If you don’t have children, do you plan on giving your spouse a say, or do you have a name you MUST have, regardless if your other half likes it or not?! I wanted to name my first son Travis, after my grandfather, decided on that soon after my grandfather died when I was 13. Max loved his grandfather as well, so his middle name is Dewey, after Max's grandfather. Max picked Aaron's first name and I picked his middle name, Tyler. With Jennifer, Travis, Max, and I laid in bed one morning and picked it out of a baby book. It was the only name all three of us liked (personally, I wanted Emma or Hannah). Her middle name is Kathe, after a woman I worked for. I had a tremendous admiration for her. She passed on in 1991, and I still miss her.
3. What is your favorite type of weather? Spring and fall in Texas; the light in the fall is simply amazing. It makes long shadows that stretch across the yard, and the color is amazing. Spring is pretty much a favorite for the same reason, the light. I like watching all the new life spring forth in flowers, trees, animals....it's what I live for. Summer is usually too hot and winter too cold, although I love it when it snows!!
4. If left to your own devices, what time would you wake up every day? Used to be around noon, but lately, I wake up at 5:30 no matter what's on the agenda for the day.
5. Have you bought your cemetery plots yet? No, I want to be cremated, but we bought Max's plot when we got Aaron's.
So, there ya go, a new blog post!!!
But............I liked Five Question Friday :-)) so thanks for the inspiration!
Five Question Friday was brought to you by fivecrookedhalos. Again, you are welcome to do them yourself in the comments or on your own blog! : )
1. Tube socks, calf socks, crew, ankle, none? I like calf socks in the winter, in the wildest colors I can find. Sometimes, if it's REALLY cold, I wear two pairs. (My feet get cold!) in the summer, in Texas? NO socks!!!
2. Was your childs (children’s) name a mutual decision or was it a debate? If you don’t have children, do you plan on giving your spouse a say, or do you have a name you MUST have, regardless if your other half likes it or not?! I wanted to name my first son Travis, after my grandfather, decided on that soon after my grandfather died when I was 13. Max loved his grandfather as well, so his middle name is Dewey, after Max's grandfather. Max picked Aaron's first name and I picked his middle name, Tyler. With Jennifer, Travis, Max, and I laid in bed one morning and picked it out of a baby book. It was the only name all three of us liked (personally, I wanted Emma or Hannah). Her middle name is Kathe, after a woman I worked for. I had a tremendous admiration for her. She passed on in 1991, and I still miss her.
3. What is your favorite type of weather? Spring and fall in Texas; the light in the fall is simply amazing. It makes long shadows that stretch across the yard, and the color is amazing. Spring is pretty much a favorite for the same reason, the light. I like watching all the new life spring forth in flowers, trees, animals....it's what I live for. Summer is usually too hot and winter too cold, although I love it when it snows!!
4. If left to your own devices, what time would you wake up every day? Used to be around noon, but lately, I wake up at 5:30 no matter what's on the agenda for the day.
5. Have you bought your cemetery plots yet? No, I want to be cremated, but we bought Max's plot when we got Aaron's.
So, there ya go, a new blog post!!!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
For Kadence
I see that face, and my heart grows glad.
She smiles and runs to me,
She has so much love,
No heart could stay empty.
But in the blink of an eye,
She will be grown.
I may not even be there
Only the man upstairs knows.
Look already, how far the world’s turned.
All the time we’ve used,
The years we’ve burned.
My sight grows less, while hers grows strong.
I slow her down, but she drags me along.
My limbs will weaken, my hearing fail,
But, God be willing, I will hold her hand,
Receive her hugs, throw her big smacks
Wherever she goes.
Her world already turns faster than mine.
My world is gone, no one will remember
Red rover, come over,
No white shoes after September.
Stationary phones, three channels on TV,
Computers that filled rooms,
Pet rocks, hula hoops, Pong, and Atari.
I will always ache as
She walks through the fires,
Over stones, through puddles,
Facing off this world's liars.
But it's all hers now,
Open to conquer.
And all I can do is
Continue to love her.
As she steps towards a future I won’t even know
It makes my heart ache,
Because I, too, want to go!
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Bucket List
I couldn't resist this one; feel free to pass it one to anyone.
Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not, then offer it to your friends (including me).
Add an item or two if you like...
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, do the list and then click publish.) I don't do the tagging thing, but I hope you'll play anyway!
Things you have done during your lifetime:
() Been to Las Vegas
(x) Loved someone so much it hurt
(x) Danced in the rain with your clothes on
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
(x) Watched someone die
(x) Helped someone live
() Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Stonehenge at Midwinter
(x) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been on a helicopter
(x) Been white water rafting
(x) Been lost
( ) Gone to France
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Played with your grandchild
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
(x) Been to the Grand Canyon
(x) Spent a day looking at flowers
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
() Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice-skating
( ) Watched the sunset in Key West
(x ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Been snorkeling/diving in the ocean.
(x) Been to the zoo by yourself
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
() Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
() Seen the Statue of Liberty in person
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(x) Traveled by train
(x) Traveled by motorcycle
() Been horse back riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco Cable Car
(x) Been to Disneyland
() Been to Disneyworld
() Been in a rain forest
(x) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
(x ) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game
() Been to a National Football League game
() Been to a National Hockey League game
(x) Gone ghost hunting
(x) Told those you love how you feel
Enjoy!
Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not, then offer it to your friends (including me).
Add an item or two if you like...
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, do the list and then click publish.) I don't do the tagging thing, but I hope you'll play anyway!
Things you have done during your lifetime:
() Been to Las Vegas
(x) Loved someone so much it hurt
(x) Danced in the rain with your clothes on
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
(x) Watched someone die
(x) Helped someone live
() Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Stonehenge at Midwinter
(x) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been on a helicopter
(x) Been white water rafting
(x) Been lost
( ) Gone to France
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Played with your grandchild
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
(x) Been to the Grand Canyon
(x) Spent a day looking at flowers
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
() Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice-skating
( ) Watched the sunset in Key West
(x ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Been snorkeling/diving in the ocean.
(x) Been to the zoo by yourself
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
() Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
() Seen the Statue of Liberty in person
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(x) Traveled by train
(x) Traveled by motorcycle
() Been horse back riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco Cable Car
(x) Been to Disneyland
() Been to Disneyworld
() Been in a rain forest
(x) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
(x ) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game
() Been to a National Football League game
() Been to a National Hockey League game
(x) Gone ghost hunting
(x) Told those you love how you feel
Enjoy!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Marriage
My friend, Gail, posted a poem today that reminded me of this one. I wrote this one several years ago and it is dedicated to my Max.
Marriage
What
Can be……
This thing that was two
Is one for so long it has forgotten
When it was two,
To be apart
In separation.
Fibers twisted firmly through and through
And around and around
And over and under
And between.
Glued with luscious melding of flesh
And immeasurable depth of kindness
And tolerance defined in trust.
And somewhere deep within the
Jungle of its – their – a – being
Some semblance of a conscious
Never fading always demanding
Integration of soul
Sometimes makes the two wonder
How the one was born
Makes the two remember
The bitter loneliness of one
Makes the two thankful
For what the one begat
Makes the two cognizant
Aware
grateful
for this living definition
Of love.
love to all those who love me,
allison
Marriage
What
Can be……
This thing that was two
Is one for so long it has forgotten
When it was two,
To be apart
In separation.
Fibers twisted firmly through and through
And around and around
And over and under
And between.
Glued with luscious melding of flesh
And immeasurable depth of kindness
And tolerance defined in trust.
And somewhere deep within the
Jungle of its – their – a – being
Some semblance of a conscious
Never fading always demanding
Integration of soul
Sometimes makes the two wonder
How the one was born
Makes the two remember
The bitter loneliness of one
Makes the two thankful
For what the one begat
Makes the two cognizant
Aware
grateful
for this living definition
Of love.
love to all those who love me,
allison
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Life is a Surprise
When my son Travis was born in 1984, I was overwhelmed with the feelings of love that rushed over me the first time I saw his face. I recorded his every action, sound, and expression the first year of his life in my journals and his babybook. In 1987, when I became pregnant with my second child, Aaron, I worried constantly. How on earth was I going to love another child as much as I loved Travis? It wasn’t fair to Aaron to be the 2nd child; how could we ever love him as much as we did Travis?
But you know what? We did! We loved Aaron with every fiber of our beings, just as strongly as we loved Travis. Aaron’s personality was the mirror image of Travis', but that had nothing to do with how much we loved him. He was our son, and our hearts and minds just expanded to include him in our love. When Jennifer was born in 1992, it happened again. I don’t know how it’s possible, but somehow the good Lord expands the space in your heart and you are able to love as many children as you have.
Time went on, and Travis grew up. Aaron died in 1990 and we all walked through a door and became new people. Jen is growing up faster than I can believe; she has a form of autism that causes her some problems, but she is a senior is high school this year, and scheduled to graduate in May.
We are stronger people because of Aaron’s death. It changed Max and I in ways we never expected or wanted, but got anyway and had to deal with. Family became a priority with us. Spending time with the kids took priority over everything. As we grow up, our parents and siblings are our history; our children are our future. Every step our kids take, Travis’ graduation and marriage to Sandra in 2005, Jen’s 18th birthday, there is always a hole there where Aaron should have been. I always think, Travis 27, Aaron 23, Jen 19; that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
When Travis’ daughter, Kadence was born in 2009, Travis named her Kadence Erin after his brother, and it wasn’t until that point I realized that he missed his brother as much as we did. The same empty space in our future also appears in his. It breaks my heart to know how much he has missed. I have a little brother I miss constantly because he lives in another city. Travis doesn't even get the privilege of texting his little brother, or seeing his pics on Facebook; he knows his little brother only as an angel he will meet again in the afterlife. It's heartrending, because he has missed out on so much. Siblings can drive you nuts, but they are also the people you run to when you're hurting, because they are the ones who really know who you are.
I’ve known Sandra, Travis’ wife, since she was 16 years old, and when she married Travis, we just included her in our lives as much as Travis. She’s always been one of our "kids," as were all the kids Travis hung around with as a teen. She is a more private person than I am, but I love her with all my heart. Kadence’s birth brought yet another surprise to us. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I love that child as much as my own. I should have had a clue, I suppose. After all, Travis' full name is Travis Dewey---he is named after mine and Max's grandfathers, who had a tremendous influence on us as kids. But I never really knew, till Kadence's birth, just how strong a grandparents' love could be.
So, my heart has now expanded to include not only my own children whom I carried inside me, but also Sandra and Kadence. The best thing about Kadence is that I can spoil her and love her unconditionally, just as I do my own kids. But it’s not my job that Kadence turn into a responsible adult. I don’t have to make her clean up her messes, stop abusing her auntie Jen, or eat a healthy meal three times a day. All I am required to do with Kadence is love her. I’m her Gammy, that’s my job. The kids lived with us for little over a year, and we got to see Kadence every day. It was the greatest gift any grandparent could ever ask for. I understand now the heartbreak Max’s mom went through living in New York without being able to see her Texas grandkids except in pictures.
Whenever we see them now, Kadence runs up to us and hugs our legs and reaches up for us to pick her up. She loves us and has unlimited faith and trust in us. This feeling of being unconditionally and strongly loved is so humbling it makes me cry.
Then, on 1-13-11, Sandra and Travis welcomed Aidan Seth to their family. Now, they are a family, with a boy and a girl, and a tough road ahead with two in diapers, but oh.....so lucky! They have each other and these two beautiful children, and a life ahead of them full of promise. It’s gonna be hard work, but so worth it!
And for me, the most amazing thing has happened yet again. I love the way life is continually surprising me. When I saw Aidan’s face through the nursery window, my heart just exploded with love for him! I saw those blue eyes looking at me and I just melted. How can this be possible? How can it be that every time the Lord brings a new being into your life, you can love it as strongly as the other family you already have? Way back in 1982, when Max and I got married, I was 23, and I kind of looked forward to us having a family, but not seriously. I mean, jeez, I was 23, who’s serious when they’re 23?
I never, not within a 1000 years, could have imagined the paths we would walk, and the love we would come to receive. The love Max and I shared became exponentially greater because we had children, lost a child, and now have grandchildren. We went from being individuals, Max and Allison, to Mom and Dad, to Grandpa and Gammy. We have lived a lifetime together and are a history. Max and I have our difficulties. Marriage is not an easy path, it’s learning to accept another person’s frailties and ignore them so they don’t drive you crazy. But this love, this incredible, fulfilling, heart-rending love, has blossomed into something grand and wonderful and unexpected.
I just have to say, thank you Lord, for all the surprises—the good ones and the horrific ones. Were it not for the surprises, life would have been boring and safe, and I might never have realized how amazing and wonderful and precious life really is.
Love to all those who love me,
allison
But you know what? We did! We loved Aaron with every fiber of our beings, just as strongly as we loved Travis. Aaron’s personality was the mirror image of Travis', but that had nothing to do with how much we loved him. He was our son, and our hearts and minds just expanded to include him in our love. When Jennifer was born in 1992, it happened again. I don’t know how it’s possible, but somehow the good Lord expands the space in your heart and you are able to love as many children as you have.
Time went on, and Travis grew up. Aaron died in 1990 and we all walked through a door and became new people. Jen is growing up faster than I can believe; she has a form of autism that causes her some problems, but she is a senior is high school this year, and scheduled to graduate in May.
We are stronger people because of Aaron’s death. It changed Max and I in ways we never expected or wanted, but got anyway and had to deal with. Family became a priority with us. Spending time with the kids took priority over everything. As we grow up, our parents and siblings are our history; our children are our future. Every step our kids take, Travis’ graduation and marriage to Sandra in 2005, Jen’s 18th birthday, there is always a hole there where Aaron should have been. I always think, Travis 27, Aaron 23, Jen 19; that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
When Travis’ daughter, Kadence was born in 2009, Travis named her Kadence Erin after his brother, and it wasn’t until that point I realized that he missed his brother as much as we did. The same empty space in our future also appears in his. It breaks my heart to know how much he has missed. I have a little brother I miss constantly because he lives in another city. Travis doesn't even get the privilege of texting his little brother, or seeing his pics on Facebook; he knows his little brother only as an angel he will meet again in the afterlife. It's heartrending, because he has missed out on so much. Siblings can drive you nuts, but they are also the people you run to when you're hurting, because they are the ones who really know who you are.
I’ve known Sandra, Travis’ wife, since she was 16 years old, and when she married Travis, we just included her in our lives as much as Travis. She’s always been one of our "kids," as were all the kids Travis hung around with as a teen. She is a more private person than I am, but I love her with all my heart. Kadence’s birth brought yet another surprise to us. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I love that child as much as my own. I should have had a clue, I suppose. After all, Travis' full name is Travis Dewey---he is named after mine and Max's grandfathers, who had a tremendous influence on us as kids. But I never really knew, till Kadence's birth, just how strong a grandparents' love could be.
So, my heart has now expanded to include not only my own children whom I carried inside me, but also Sandra and Kadence. The best thing about Kadence is that I can spoil her and love her unconditionally, just as I do my own kids. But it’s not my job that Kadence turn into a responsible adult. I don’t have to make her clean up her messes, stop abusing her auntie Jen, or eat a healthy meal three times a day. All I am required to do with Kadence is love her. I’m her Gammy, that’s my job. The kids lived with us for little over a year, and we got to see Kadence every day. It was the greatest gift any grandparent could ever ask for. I understand now the heartbreak Max’s mom went through living in New York without being able to see her Texas grandkids except in pictures.
Whenever we see them now, Kadence runs up to us and hugs our legs and reaches up for us to pick her up. She loves us and has unlimited faith and trust in us. This feeling of being unconditionally and strongly loved is so humbling it makes me cry.
Then, on 1-13-11, Sandra and Travis welcomed Aidan Seth to their family. Now, they are a family, with a boy and a girl, and a tough road ahead with two in diapers, but oh.....so lucky! They have each other and these two beautiful children, and a life ahead of them full of promise. It’s gonna be hard work, but so worth it!
And for me, the most amazing thing has happened yet again. I love the way life is continually surprising me. When I saw Aidan’s face through the nursery window, my heart just exploded with love for him! I saw those blue eyes looking at me and I just melted. How can this be possible? How can it be that every time the Lord brings a new being into your life, you can love it as strongly as the other family you already have? Way back in 1982, when Max and I got married, I was 23, and I kind of looked forward to us having a family, but not seriously. I mean, jeez, I was 23, who’s serious when they’re 23?
I never, not within a 1000 years, could have imagined the paths we would walk, and the love we would come to receive. The love Max and I shared became exponentially greater because we had children, lost a child, and now have grandchildren. We went from being individuals, Max and Allison, to Mom and Dad, to Grandpa and Gammy. We have lived a lifetime together and are a history. Max and I have our difficulties. Marriage is not an easy path, it’s learning to accept another person’s frailties and ignore them so they don’t drive you crazy. But this love, this incredible, fulfilling, heart-rending love, has blossomed into something grand and wonderful and unexpected.
I just have to say, thank you Lord, for all the surprises—the good ones and the horrific ones. Were it not for the surprises, life would have been boring and safe, and I might never have realized how amazing and wonderful and precious life really is.
Love to all those who love me,
allison
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