That's the Job

A friend of mine shared a blog post on Facebook today from The Crumb Diaries at https://www.facebook.com/TheCrumbDiaries/posts/528766197213735 . It prompted this train of thought....

Our daughter, Jennifer, has Aspberger's Syndrome and Pervasive Developmental  Disorder. Although we knew Jen was a slower learner than her siblings, we didn't truly recognize a problem until we still could not understand her speech at age four.  By age six, she was steadily losing ground when compared to other children her age.  She had difficulty learning how to read, socializing with her peers, and communicating with anyone outside the family.  You know how you get an ear worm, a song that gets in your head and you sing it all day? Jen's ear worms went on for years: Jingle Bells for over two years, the first line of the national anthem for about a year and a half, and then Fur Elise lasted about 4 years.  At age 10, she still could not tie her shoes, count change, tell time. At 12-13, she was compelled to say the word "chicken" as soon as she walked in a room.  This later evolved to the word "butthead" and then "bumblebee".  Oh, there were so many things she hadn't learned that other children her age had mastered years before, and so many compulsive behaviors that she could not control. 

But along with her compulsions, we also recognized that Jennifer was a very bright child.  In school, she could barely speak or add 2+2, while at home with us, in her comfort zone, she made up songs and stories, created elaborate games, designed houses and clothing, and could draw just about anything she saw. She loved animals, and was a responsible pet owner, feeding and watering her animals.  She helped around the house and could perform any chore after a single explanation. She is much like me, a "question girl," curious about everything. She had no problems understanding any explanation or asking more questions to truly comprehend a situation.  

But in school, she was failing miserably. She had no friends, and was falling further and further behind academically. We had a dozen evaluations performed by a plethora of highly educated people who diagnosed her with mental retardation, ADD, major depressive disorder, social anxiety disorder and, it seemed, whatever diagnosis they favored that particular day.  My favorite? The school nurse who observed Jen in class for 15 minutes and diagnosed her with ADHD because Jen was doodling.

You cannot imagine the frustration when  the "experts" won't take the time to listen when you KNOW something is wrong with your child. Jen was locked in a prison created by her own mind. She was miserable, unhappy and sad, and we couldn't help her! It was a living nightmare. She was in 6th grade before the schools finally recognized there even was a problem and agreed to test her again. She was well into her teens before we finally found a counselor who took the time to observe her, gain Jennifer's trust, truly get to know Jen, and ask us the gazillion questions necessary to get a true diagnosis.

But once we figured out what was actually wrong, and how to deal with it. Jennifer's progress was absolutely magical! Summer before last, when she met my friend, Jess Plants, we had a moment similar to when Helen Keller connected the feel of water with the word "water." Jen met Jess and actually asked Jess a question directly. Not only was she speaking to a total stranger, she initiated a topic in the conversation! For a child who had been locked inside herself for so very long it was just----it was miraculous. Max and I both looked at each other with tears in our eyes. We knew then, we just KNEW, she was going to be OK.

Over the years, though we recognized Jen was different, we never made excuses for her. Why would we? But, oh my goodness---we fought MANY battles with those who belittled her and asked us questions like, “What is wrong with her? Is that child just stupid? Why don't you make her act right? Can't Jennifer just act normal for once? There's nothing wrong with that child, she's just lazy.”  Once, as I was getting Jen from school in third grade, I asked the teacher, "How is she doing?" In front of the whole class, the teacher responded, "She's fine, she's just slower than the rest of the class and weighs them down." To this day, I still want to slap that teacher. I was very proud of my self-restraint that day when I asked the teacher to join me for a moment in the hallway and made it very clear she would NOT talk about my child that way again with anyone but us. When a particular loved one started making derogatory statements about Jennifer's behavior in Jennifer's presence, we left their home and never left Jennifer alone with that person again. There were many times we fought this battle for our daughter, protecting her from malevolent attitudes that might destroy the self-esteem she fought so hard to attain.

Our general response when anyone asked was always just “What the hell is 'normal'? Jennifer's problems do not define her; they make her stronger. The very fact that she understands her issues, and has the ability to learn coping mechanisms proves that Jennifer is exactly what we always knew: a beautiful, generous, creative, smart, funny, loving person. She is our daughter. Just as with our sons, we have her back for the rest of our lives. We would lay down our lives for any of our children, without question or hesitation.

Jennifer is 21 now, and she still has rough times ahead. She must live with these issues the rest of her life. But she has come such a long way. She has friends and family who love and support her wholeheartedly.  She's not afraid to talk to people, crack a joke, to be herself, and have pride in herself JUST THE WAY SHE IS.

We never stop fighting for our children. There are no coffee breaks in parenting. It's not an issue for debate; it is what it is. We're parents. That's the job.

Gone Fishin'

Flawless blue sky

Sweltering heat

The slight breeze as

Light as a baby's exhalation

Cools and dries your sweaty self.

Hapless worm floating in the depths of

Green water reflecting green trees.

Orange flowers

White hot sun

The occasional drone of

Bass master motors racing

To their secret honey hole,

Drowsily enjoying the pleasure of the pause.

Random sudden twitches of your pole

Demanding your attention.

Discussions with your fishing buddy

Who has shared this journey for a lifetime.

Delighting in watching the magnificent

Tail splash of a bass on the chase.

Relishing the deceptively lazy serpentine swirl of

The long fin of a showy and aggressive grennel

Your fishing buddy has named “Bob.”

Appreciating the splendor of the essentially untouched

Natural world cradling and renewing your psyche

While simultaneously experiencing in your heart

All the joy and wonder, excitement and content.

So many gifts in this life

So little time for gratitude.

All is given to you.

Thanking my Support System

We're having a get-together this weekend to share our good news about hubby's new job with the friends who have been our support system over the past year. It got me to thinking, some people have gone above and beyond to help us, but sometimes it's just the little things that get you from day to day, that really blow my mind. And sometimes your friends don't even know they did it!

So, I have all these images from the past year flashing through my mind. No names, and in no particular order of importance, but the folks mentioned know who they are, and I thank you.

My tiny 70+-year-old neighbor walking across the street with a tower of items for our garage sale, and she and I (the shortest in the bunch) tipping over a huge rack of clothes—ROFL!

Our other neighbor from whom donated items kept appearing in the carport, and who backed his car down our street to help us pack up during a sudden rainstorm when we were in the middle of our garage sale, and is generally just always around when we're in crisis, and whose life is a demonstration of his faith. :-)

The friend I can call at any time, day or night, and she'll tell me what's wrong with my car, who loves my daughter as much as I do and opens her home to Jen, working at my side day after day reassuring me constantly, “It's gonna work!” and keeping me fed when I forgot to eat, and bringing food to my family after my dad died, including an awesome jumbalaya we all fought over.

My crazy artist friend who tells me, “You miss everything,” because he is trying so hard not to let everybody see his kind heart, drives me crazy sometimes because he is so serious, is reluctantly accepting of face squishes and bald head rubs, but for some reason, is always there when you least expect it with a hug, a funny, or help.

The artist friend who came to my dad's funeral, in the pouring rain, to help me feel better.

The friend who came running the night I broke my arm and sat for me for hours in the ER, for always being there, for her hugs when my dad died, and for always always understanding my mother/daughter issues.

Running into my friend at the eagle's nest and receiving the beautiful mosaic of our Lucky Dawg she created, which is now a permanent part of my life, where I can pet him every single day of the rest of my life.

The friend who showed up (uncalled) to provide us with more hangers after we ran out, lets me roam her flower shop taking gorgeous pictures whenever the mood hits me, sent me a doggy bone commemorative stone after Lucky Dawg died, picks up on-sale margueritas for us, and created not one but THREE beautiful arrangements for my father's funeral on a day's notice... and it was a Sunday! They were absolutely beautiful, and I will always save the ribbons she created.

All those strangers who came to my house and donated to total strangers (us) just to help out another human.

The boss who tolerated me through the property tax issues and let me keep my part-time job, and picked us up in Huntsville after we got stranded and could not for the life of her figure out why we were laughing so hard! Have a great night!

The friend from high school (which was 30+ years ago), who sent me the sweetest note after my breast biopsy, just because she cared.

My friends in Houston, people I've known twenty years or more and who I never get to see as much as I'd like, buying raffle tickets for our garage sale, buying jeans long distance and paying their own postage, and supporting us completely emotionally without judgment or criticism. All they ever asked me was, “What can I do?” Love like that is priceless.

The friend who took Jen to the movies and out to eat, and treated us to free guacamole (my favorite food, even though she made Jen a guacamole fan and now I have to fight her for it), brought us stacks and stacks of newspapers and bottled water for our sale, saved my Christmas present till after the first of the year, carrying it in her car all that time for me until we could get together then surprising me with it, who fed my family fried chicken after my dad died, carried photos to a sale in Houston to help me raise money for Christmas, and has just been there for everything.

The friend whose daughter my daughter calls her “BFF” who gave of herself openly and without hesitation to someone she barely knew just because another friend asked her to, and who tried to teach me just to “roll with it,” a very difficult lesson for me!

The man who tried to hire me as a 911 dispatcher, who cried with me when I was disqualified, and who kept checking on me for months afterward to see if I'd found another job.

The friend who held me and hugged me when a stranger handed me $200 and walked away before I could even say thank you, who shares my bizarre artistic bent, who was there the night of my dad's visitation, and who loves clocks. I never see a clock face without thinking of her kindness to me during a horribly stressful time.

The birding friend who never ever minds when I text him to figure out what I'm looking at, teaches me something new every time we talk, who gave me a new field guide when he knew I couldn't buy one, and shows up when I least expect it, just to say hey.

The “planing” friend who asks, every time he sees me, how my ribs feel, and if they're better AND let me wear his flight goggles. It was an incredible moment, feeling like I could fly.

The photography friend who ALWAYS outshoots me, tells me when my tail light's out (who knew it makes the blinker hyperactive? Not me!), taught me to always carry a flashlight, walks me through anything technical with incredible patience because he knows I haven't a clue what he's talking about, sends me Google earth directions so I don't get lost, loaned me a laptop when my old one was dying, and even went out to find my monopod for me after I fell and hurt myself at the eagles' nest. He and his wife are awesome people, and it's really good to know there are still folks like that out there in this tough world.

My friend “Pinky,” who texts me constantly when he's house-sitting to let me know how my critters are, loves goofy movie trivia and just hanging out in the carport, texts me about great B movies to Netflix, always makes me laugh, gives me giant bear hugs, and is absolutely priceless to me.

The friend who rescued Sammy from a Lake Rayburn campsite, and kept her in a safe place until I could get home to pick her up, instead of immediately carting her off to the shelter, and understood when I eventually had to take Sammy there after she terrorized our kitties.

My senior “planing” friends who let me tag around asking a million questions, taking picture after picture of them, and never ever treat me like a girl.

The city employees who flag me down and ask me how the eagles are doing every time I come out from the nest, even though they haven't even a clue what my name is; it always makes me smile that others love them so much.

The friend who, after an area "free" paper refused to run our ad, got the news about our garage sale put on the front page of our local paper, and who keeps using my pictures in her publication; it is an incredible honor.

The nature geeks who keep supporting my photograph obsession and my inundation of pictures Facebook, all those small compliments made many a day brighter for me during dark times.

The friends who love Elvis as much as I do and go feed him for me when I'm out of town.

The bird friend who helped me rescue baby ducks and didn't laugh at me for carrying them in my hoodie pouch like a kangaroo mama, and shared her rehab with me; she does what the rest of us who loves birds can't. I love her for that passion.

The friend who volunteers almost every single day at our local shelter, who called me with donations for the garage sale, and totally and completely understands that I can't do what she does because I would end up taking ALL the cats home.

My generous dog-loving friend who works as an anesthesia nurse and showed up before my breast biopsy, just to give me a hug.

The big guy in my life, who towers over me by over a foot, hugged my face the first time he saw me after my breast biopsy came back benign, is a few years my senior and retains his enthusiasm about life and spreads it wherever he goes, and is one of those rare spirits on the planet whose artistic creativity is as hyperactive as my own.

My 365 friends.... who shared SO much beauty with me over the past year; there were many days their beautiful images were all the beauty I could see in the world.

The friend who got it when I got a cast instead of a brace on my broken arm because the critter fur in the Velcro on the brace drives me bonkers—lol!

My friend with whom I laughed so hard the night Enterprise bailed on us, most folks would not have had nearly as much fun being stranded as she and I did, who is my mini-me, and totally and completely understands that shit happens.

My friend from HER childhood, who always supports me emotionally when I am hurting, who babysat my kids, whose heart is as big as Texas, and who I love beyond all human reason just because she's there. “Yeah, we're not gonna do that now.” :-)

My attorney friend who I very seldom get to see in person, but gives her services and advice freely, is always there when I'm at the depths of despair, is always discreet, and refuses any payment but artwork.

My bone-hunting friend who just gets me, can do things drawing that I only ever dreamed of, teaches because she loves it, listens to all my cuckoo art ideas, and relishes her geekitude (something that took me 30 years to accomplish). Even though she is 20 years my junior, we just connect on some strange level that clicks, and I will not give that up for ANYTHING.

My sweet Barbie friend, who is always dressed to the nines, speaks her mind without being hurtful, totally understands mother/daughter issues, thinks I'm the creative one, and just always makes me feel good.

My doggy loving friend who gave me medicine for my Lucky Dawg in his final days, because I could not afford to go to the vet, went completely overboard helping with our garage sale, is the negative to my positive and puts up with it, and never judges me.

Sometimes, without a word, a friend got me through the days when light was hard to find. It's like having small support beams under my life. Without those beams, I would have collapsed a long time ago. From the bottom of my heart to the heights of heaven, I just wanted to say thank you.

To all those I love who love me back,

allison